Obviously, the above is not an exhaustive list. So you may need to add some other causes of stress, e.g. poor health. If children are included in the conversation, they will probably come up with several causes of stress not mentioned above, e.g. parents fights, etc.

Mrs. Curran found in her research that families who deal well with stress share certain similarities.

1. NO GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Couples have lowered expectations of one another and of family life. They view stress as a normal part of family life rather than as evidence of failure. It's okay if we aren't the perfect or ideal family.

2. EXERCISE YOUR STRENGTHS

Couples who deal well with stress focus on strengths rather than on weaknesses and problems. This means, of course, that couples can recognize and name their strengths; but many never do this. When I work with married couples, I often ask of them, "What are your strengths?" For some it is the first time they have ever thought about their strengths. Gradually they begin to name them: perhaps, "We have a strong spiritual life" or "We have a good sense of play and humor" or "We share responsibility well." Only when strengths are recognized can a couple successfully reach for those strengths when faced with an everyday stress.

3. GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT

Couples who deal well with stress go to the root of the stress rather than the symptoms. Often a child's misbehavior is not the cause of stress: the parents' inability to agree on parenting techniques is. But it is easier to blame the child than to look at the real and more uncomfortable stress -i.e. that the couple doesn't agree on a parenting style.

Nowhere is this evasion tendency more evident than in the pressures associated with money. Money is the number one anxiety mentioned by married men, married women and single mothers. And insufficient money is the major reason given for money worries. BUT MONEY IS THE NUMBER ONE STRESS IN ALL CATEGORIES. So, having more money doesn't do away with stress; it simply changes it.

Many couples attribute their money worries to insufficient income when the real cause of stress is the role money plays in the marriage. In most cases, money means power. The person who makes the money gets to make the decisions. The other partner is resentful of this power; but instead of addressing the issue of money or power, they both avoid it by complaining that one does not earn enough and the other spends too much.

4. IT WON'T LAST FOREVER

Couples who deal well with stress view stress as temporary rather than permanent. When couples are able to view a given pressure as temporary, they are better equipped to deal with it A two year old's behavior can be viewed as either temporary or as a lifelong pattern; an overbooked schedule is easier to live with if the family focuses on some quiet space ahead; money problems are less stressful if parents realize that once the car is paid for and the children are out of college, things will be better. Levelheaded parents realize that even adolescence is temporary.

5. QUIT BLAMING

Couples who deal well with stress turn to solutions rather than blame. They don't waste a lot of energy and emotion on whose fault is for not having enough money. Instead they quickly focus on solving the problem: how will the family deal with this shortcoming? When both assume responsibility, blame is lessened.

Some couples get into a habit of blaming rather than solving, a costly habit in dealing with the normal pressures of family life. To blame an in-law for a spouse's behavior may be temporarily soothing, for example, but it doesn't solve the issue of that behavior. Often, in fact, this blame causes increased stress for both partners. One way to get rid of blame is to learn to deal with conflict.

6. TRY SOME TOGETHERNESS .

Couples who deal well with stress value time and activities together. Of the ten top family pressures, four have to do with time; and the first of these is insufficient time spent together as a couple. American culture is largely responsible for the myth that says people's primary time should be devoted to work and that any leftover time should be spent on their children. Consequently, there are thousands of couples who have let their relationship diminish in favor of work, children's activities and their own voluntarism. Once they have children, they begin to walk a long road to loneliness in marriage. The paradox is that there would not even be a family if they had not found each other exciting and interesting enough to share time as a couple in the first place.

7. ACCEPT WHAT CANNOT BE CHANGED

The family that deals well with stress focuses on the controllable sources of stress and accepts those sources that are uncontrollable. Uncontrollable causes of family pressures include areas such as income, costs, working hours, children's personalities, health, in-Iaw's, and required time commitments. Controllable factors include decisions on how to spend leftover income, what to do with nonworking hours, how to accept children as they are designed by God, and so on.

To use a homely example, most families are made up of a combination of morning grouches and morning sunbeams. In well-adjusted families, members accept their morning..grouches and walk a wide circle around them. Highly stressed families try to change the grouch. He or she is a discipline problem to them. These families say to God, "You sent us a flawed creature which we must correct." And then they spend time and emotion trying to redesign the grouch, whose personality is clearly an uncontrollable factor.

8. ASK THE KIDS

Families who deal well with stress develop new rules together. They aren't afraid to say, "look, things aren't working well around here. We haven't eaten together in three weeks. The kids are starting to call you Uncle Daddy. How can we take steps to change things?" These families turn solutions over to the entire family instead of having a parent pronounce, "Things are going to change around here. From now on. .." They aren't afraid to ask God's help mutually and openly either. They feel comfortable in praying together for a way to address a strain in the family. One spouse I interviewed put it this way: "First we say, 'LET'S PRAY ABOUT IT.' Then we say, 'LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.' Then we say, 'LET'S DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.' "

Children are very good at offering suggestions and solutions if brought in on problems. Many parents I talked to said that their unhappiness with children's behavior, money demands, television viewing, or lack of responsibility in the home -any of which cause stress -diminished when they turned to the entire family for solutions.

9. GIVE YOURSELVES AN " A "

Finally, families who deal well with stress feel stronger after conquering a pressure. They realize their strengths were tested, that they came through. If people never experience stress, they will not know how strong they are. Once families learn to deal with everyday pressures, they're not so fearful about facing the others. They accept stress as a normal part of life.

To quote one of my respondents, delightfully frank 82-year old Marguerite, who's lived through most of this century's wars, depressions, and changes: "Lordy, what is all this talk of stress these days? Stress is life, that's all. It's God's way of showing us we're alive and kicking. We've just got to kick a little harder sometimes, right?" Right. And that's what healthy families are doing.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

If you want to have a family discussion on the above article, you might want to use the following questions for discussion.

1) What point in the article impressed you the most? Why?

2) Nine STRESS HELPS are mentioned. Which of the nine do you think you try to practice and fail to practice?

3) In your opinion, which of the stress helps could help to diminish stress in your marriage and family life.

4) Individually, as a couple and as a family, decide to do one practical thing that would diminish stress in your family.