The following piece appeared in a special Family Life piece in the Florida Catholic some time ago. It was written by Mary St. Pierre. Perhaps you can share this with a stepfamily.

There's little belief anyone with a strong faith and moral foundation goes into a remarriage with their sights set on divorce. A tide of support through programs like the Stepfamily Workshops offered by the Diocese of Orlando Family Life office can be the solid ground spouses need when the solid ground of family changes and shifts.

"Statistics show that 65 percent of remarriages fail and it is estimated that 80 percent of those could have been saved if there had been a support group to help couples through the many challenges step-families confront," said Terry O'Sullivan, associate director of Family Life.

The main mistake two people who are remarrying after a divorce or death of a first spouse make, according to O'Sullivan, is assuming everything is going to run smoothly because they love each other and that's enough to make it all work. They are often shocked and overwhelmed when suddenly a child becomes resentful, or ex-spouses who were absent prior to the marriage, become downright nasty.

"It's very difficult when suddenly a parent feels torn between their new partner, a child demanding attention or a stepchild who is doing everything in their power to make you feel like an outsider," O'Sullivan said.

When such strong negative issues start accruing rapidly, there is no doubt, O'Sullivan emphasized, couples need immediate support from outside sources. Spouses also need to work continuously on building their relationship and having couple time away from their children to strengthen the foundation of this new family.

"Children will divide you rapidly in a family that is readymade," O'Sullivan said. "They are dealing with a lot of grieving and the loss of their role in their traditional family, plus gone from their dreams is the long-held-out hope of their parents getting back together."

In the two-hour Stepfamily Workshop, O'Sullivan presents many questions to couples considering remarriage, plus tips on how to build a loving relationship and happy home environment for those now in stepfamilies. Questions are presented such as: What is it that you really want from this relationship? How will remarriage affect your children? How will you communicate with your former spouses? How will money be handled? What are your feelings about religion in your home and who will discipline the children?

"The whole concept of when and how you are going to start the discipline process is a big area stepfamilies often have a great deal of difficulty with," O'Sullivan said.

Parents in a stepfamily should discipline their own children, O'Sullivan stresses in the workshop, and the spouse initially starts out as a kind of baby sitter. In other words, rules of the house would be negotiated between the stepparents, behind closed doors, and initiated by the biological parent to their children.

"The biological parent would tell their children 'Kids, these are the rules and when I'm not here I put Fred (the stepparent) in charge and you are to abide by these rules,' O'Sullivan said.

In time, the stepparent would become more like an aunt or uncle, until over a long period of time, they would be of equal status.

"The length of time it takes for a stepparent to be on equal standing as the biological parent depends on so many things," O'Sullivan said.

Ordinarily, according to O'Sullivan, if you marry when the child is 4, in four years they will probably accept you. If they are 8, it will take at least as many years and if they are teenagers when you marry, they may never accept you on equal ground with their mother or father. "The last thing they are looking for is a third parent."

"You have to remember, teenagers have more parents than they want already at the stage of their life," O'Sullivan said.

Another indisputable fact in remarriage is that dealing with ex-spouses can be extremely challenging. This, O'Sullivan teaches, is where co-parenting must be looked at as a business relationship with the primary concern being the children.

"The only topic of conversation should be the children, O'Sullivan said. "Don't get back into the past by saying such things as 'You never did this when we were married,' or 'This is the same old thing all over again.' And don't have the children be a 'go between' by telling them to ask their father where the child support money is for this month?"

Studies, O'Sullivan points out to stepparents, show that the worst trauma to children isn't the divorce but the ongoing friction between parents. This constantly puts already despondent children in the middle two people they love.

"I tell couples, 'You may not be married for life, but you are divorced for life and you are parents for life,'" O'Sullivan said. "You have these children you love in common for the rest of your life and the best thing you can do for them is to deal with one another in the most civil manner possible."

The best communication technique for good co-parenting is never to talk negatively about an ex-spouse and talk with them about the facts. If one spouse is incapable of carrying out such a healthy relationship, that should never restrict the other from doing so. Children will eventually gravitate to the positive words of a parent rather than the negative.

"Sometimes, keeping the best method of communication when ex-spouses cannot talk to one another is by E-mail or a notebook," O'Sullivan said. "You may not be able to change your 'ex'; but, on your part, you can be a rational, reasonable person."

There's no magic solution, according to O'Sullivan, to solve each individual problem a stepfamily experiences. Counseling may be needed and support from other stepparents is vital. Beyond the two-hour workshop now available, O'Sullivan has also established a six-week step-parenting seminar and is hoping to see parishes develop a ministry for a stepfamily support group.

"Family life is difficult enough but when you add children with other backgrounds and traditions it becomes very complicated and complex," O'Sullivan said. "We, as a church, need to be reaching out to all families whatever type they are and give the support they need to build successful marriages for life."

For more information on stepfamily workshops call Terry O'Sullivan at 407-246-4866.