The following questions were created by Fr. Vincent Walsh, who worked many years in a Marriage Tribunal and saw how many marriages were doomed to failure from the beginning. All too often Fr. Walsh noticed how good people selected the wrong person as a marriage partner.

Fr. Walsh suggests that dating persons ask themselves the following six questions. He adds a rule to each question.

Question 1. Does your dating partner have a problem with alcohol or other drug use?

A young person's drinking or illegal drug use is often overlooked. Drug use or heavy drinking is dismissed as a sign of immaturity which will pass away as he or she gets older. The dating partner often ascribes this problem to his association with his buddies or to her having a good time at a party. Don't accept these excuses! If your dating partner really needs to drink or use drugs regularly, or if his or her parents or siblings have similar problems, then alcohol or drug abuse is more than "a passing immaturity. It is a potentially serious problem.

Rule 1. Don't accept illegal drug use or overdrinking as a problem that will pass away with maturity. Ask others about your partner's habits when you are not around and check on the patterns among his or her relatives.

Question 2. Is your dating partner jealous or possessive?

A woman often thinks that her boyfriend's jealousy is due to his passionate love for her. Men can think that jealousy is the woman's way to preserve exclusivity in their relationship. In fact, jealousy and possessiveness often result from a family background where the child did not receive sufficient love. In a dating relationship, the jealous partner becomes envious when he or she sees the other person being loved by parents and enjoying normal social relationships with a variety of friends. Long-term exposure to these normal friendly relationships causes the irritation that leads to possessiveness and jealousy. In marriage, jealous people will subtly cut their partner off from their loving family and their other friends.

Rule 2. If your dating partner seems to pressure you to avoid family and friends, or if your friendships with others create difficulties in your relationship with your dating partner, take a good look at the possibility of jealousy in the dating relationship.

Question 3. Is there any physical violence between you and your dating partner?

If physical force is used during the dating period when a person is on his or her best behavior, it is quite likely to carry over into the marriage and increase in intensity and frequency. Acts of violence often show either an emotional inability to compromise (an essential element in a happy marriage) or, even worse, a deliberate effort to control the other person.

Rule 3. Don't be fooled by all kinds of apologies after violence has occurred. The pattern is being set and the apologies mean nothing. Break off the relationship before it's too late.

Question 4. Does your dating partner flirt with members of the opposite sex?

Young people shop around. They want to see who is attracted by them and who is attractive to them. In this way people get an idea of where they stand on the social ladder and what type of person would be open to a long-term relationship. Flirting with members of the opposite sex, an important activity in the early phases of dating, should be curtailed when you have developed a serious relationship that might end in marriage.

Rule 4. While you want your partner to be socially warm to everyone, avoid someone who regularly flirts with others and seems to be still searching for new partners.

Question 5. Does your dating partner exhibit promiscuous behavior?

This is a more serious variety of the flirtatious person. This person isn't satisfied with the emotional "making eyes," but becomes more seriously involved with another individual. Infidelity during the dating process should raise serious questions about the suitability of this person as a marriage partner. Infidelity during the engagement period should lead directly to the termination of the relationship.

Rule 5. Infidelity is a very important warning signal. It is much more than a sign of immaturity that will pass away with time.

Question 6. Does your dating partner show an over dependence on parents?

Marriage involves breaking away from family relationships and entering into a unique relationship as husband and wife. A problem arises when a person cannot withdraw sufficiently from his or her family of origin to enter freely into marriage and begin a new family. The difficulty can arise from either a parent who refuses to let go or a son or daughter who is still too emotionally attached to parents. While this problem is sometimes difficult to gauge in the dating relationship, a parent who is constantly meddling or a partner who doesn't grasp the need for a change in his or her relationship with parents should provide a warning signal of potential problems.

Rule 6. Look for and encourage a strong relationship between your partner and his or her parents, but encourage your partner's growing independence from them. Seek in-laws who are caring but not meddlesome.

JUDGING YOUR PARTNER'S PERSONALITY

To help dating persons come to a greater sense of possible defects in your partner's personality, Fr. Walsh suggests the following five questions. For each question a rule is also suggested.

Question 1. Is your partner superficial, fast talking, a charmer or frequently unable to keep his or her word?

If your partner always has an excuse, seems to be involved in so many plans and projects that you don't know what is coming next, and at one moment sweeps you off your feet and the next moment leaves you wondering if he or she is telling the truth, then proceed with caution. Check the validity of his or her stories. Don't overlook lies and don't accept sweet talk at face value. You might be dating a sociopath who will cause you years of grief before he or she walks out of the marriage, leaving you wondering how you got conned.

Rule 1. Don't accept frequent disappointment caused by failures to keep promises, even if your partner makes amends when his or her problems and lies are pointed out.

Question 2. Does your partner have a rigid or "cold" personality?

Due to family background and prior experiences, some people manifest a fairly rigid emotional framework that limits their ability to respond lovingly and tenderly. Their dating partner often feels that eventually they will "warm up" or "thaw out." In actual fact, however, this pattern is often very ingrained and deeply rooted. The person doesn't have an appropriate range of responses and quite possibly never will.

Rule 2. These traits will not seriously change with marriage. If they already frustrate you, it is a good bet that this style of rigidity will create problems for you throughout your married life.

Question 3. Does your partner suddenly explode?

This is related to the earlier question about violence in the dating relationship. While the person may be able to curb any direct physical force toward you or toward other people, the explosiveness shows itself in banging fists against the wall, throwing a tantrum, breaking things, or going into a verbal tirade. This can escalate to more serious violent behavior that threatens you and other people.

Rule 3. Most people get angry. There are appropriate ways to express this feeling. An explosive person does not manifest anger in an appropriate way and is led into an angry state by inconsequential causes.

Question 4. Is your partner often seriously depressed or bothered by serious mood swings?

If your partner always looks on the dark side and cannot overcome depressed feelings, then the problem may be ingrained and not one that will pass. Likewise, mood swings that range from a depression where the person feels no desire to go on to a mania where there is feverish activity also indicate major problems. Usually these persons need medical attention from a psychiatrist. There is hope for persons with depressive and manic-depressive disorders, but they must consent to and follow a doctor's orders for taking psychiatric medication. Such medication may have to be taken for a lifetime and can cause unwelcome side effects.

Rule 4. Check with a qualified counselor or psychiatrist about your partner's problem with depression or manic depression and get a diagnosis. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Great progress has been made in the treatment of these conditions, thus saving countless lives and relationships.

Question 5. Does your partner manifest strange or bizarre behavior of any sort?

Severe psychotic behaviors often do not become evident until a person has reached the late twenties. The seeds of the full flowering, however, are often present in adolescence and can be detected earlier. The parents or relatives of your dating partner may have some idea that this person has a certain problematic side to his or her personality that, if known, would bring the marriage into question. Any warnings from family members against a marriage should be taken seriously, especially in the question of emotional illness.

Rule 5. If your partner is a loner, has a few close friends, feels people are hostile and against him or her, or manifests some other peculiar thought or behavior patterns, then you need reexamine your relationship.