Cohabitation is, as we shall see, a very widespread phenomenon, not only in America, but in many parts of the world. It is seen as a smart way to prepare for marriage. Because cohabitation is so widespread, parents, especially those raised in the 60s, are often confused about how to respond to this issue when a son or daughter announces that he or she is planning to move in with his/her boy/girlfriend.

In a recent issue of Priest magazine, several articles addressed this relatively new pastoral issue. The articles offered lots of interesting information, input and wisdom on cohabitation which should be helpful to teens and young adults as they face a world where cohabitation is seen as the smart way to prepare for marriage. This bulletin should also be helpful to parents who may have to talk to their children about this issue. I'm hoping that parents who have teenagers or young adults will share and discuss this bulletin with their young family members. Finally, the bulletin will be helpful to all who are in contact with young people who are considering cohabitation or are actually cohabiting at this time.

The term cohabitation is used to describe a situation in which a man and woman share living quarters and sexual intimacy prior to marriage. I will share with you excerpts from three articles. Only those parts written in italics are direct quotes from the articles.

Article #1. COHABITATION - WHAT THE RESEARCHERS ARE FINDING

The first article is by Sr. Barbara Markey N.D., director of the Family Life Office of the Archdiocese of Omaha. She is also the associate director of the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University in Omaha. Sr. Barbara is a frequent speaker at religious and secular conferences that deal with Marriage and Family Life issues. Early in her article, Sr. Barbara tells us:

- By 1997, the total number of unmarried couples in America topped 4 million, up from less than half a million in 1960.

- More than 50 percent of all first marriages are now preceded by cohabitation, compared to virtually none earlier in the century. The rate is even higher for second marriages. Depending on the setting, cohabiting couples typically constitute between 30 percent and 80 percent of couples presenting themselves to Catholic parishes for marriage preparation.

- Contrary to earlier popular expectations, cohabitation does not increase a couple's chance for a successful marriage. Cohabiting couples who marry have a divorce rate that is 46 percent to 50 percent higher than non-cohabiters who marry. Cohabitation puts marital stability "at risk." Responsive marriage preparation needs to address these risk factors.

According to Sr. Barbara, the following are some reactions to her findings (findings shared by secular research groups who have an interest in this area).

- "Cohabitation should logically give couples a better chance to succeed at marriage. There must be something wrong with the studies/data that indicate that cohabiting couples are more at risk for unsatisfactory and unstable marriages."

Earlier voices in psychology, anthropology, sociology and theology had theorized that "trial marriages" would cut down the high rate of failing marriages. One of the great surprises of research done in all First World countries over the last 10 years is the consistent finding that marriages that follow cohabitation are, less stable and have a 50 percent higher divorce rate than the average.

- "It is not cohabitation that creates the higher divorce rate for couples. It is the selection factor. Those who have negative attitudes about marriage, fear of commitment, strong individualism, low religious practice, etc., are more likely than those without such attitudes to sort themselves into cohabiting situations. These attitudes can sabotage the marriage. It is not the cohabitation situation per se that is the problem."

There is some truth here. The reality is, however, that cohabiters who move to marriage very often bring these sabotaging attitudes into the marriage. Marriage preparation needs to help couples re-examine these patterns of thinking and choosing.

Then Sister describes certain beliefs and attitudes of cohabiters toward marriage and related issues.

Attitudes about marriage. Cohabiters are more likely than non cohabiters to reject marriage as an institution; to fear marriage because of models they have experienced; to have a greater expectation of marriage failure and greater openness to divorce; to struggle with the meaning of commitment; and to be conflicted over how to deal both with marriage and a strong sense of individualism. Often partners are in different places on some or all of these issues.

Key questions are: "How did you move to this decision to marry?" and "How does the decision to marry differ from your decision to live together?"

Expectations of marriage. Once cohabiters marry, they are more likely to be dissatisfied with marriage than non-cohabiters .They may have idealized that they worked through all their problems during cohabitation, and they are often not prepared for the ordinary cycles of infatuation-disillusionment-intimacy.

Since most cohabitations last about 1.4 years, some couples have gone through the "honeymoon" period during cohabitation and are moving into a natural cycle of disillusionment when they marry. Some believe that all relationships should be without pain or boredom, or they have no expectations of being able to get through "rough patches." Who are their models for working through the cycles, the "seasons" of marriage?

Skills in conflict resolution. Cohabiters who marry have more problems with conflict resolution than couples who have not cohabited and often need skill building in this area. They also have a higher rate of domestic violence. Some cohabiters are "afraid to rock the boat" for fear of breaking the relationship, and so they come into marriage having avoided dealing effectively with conflict

On the opposite extreme, some feel no need during cohabitation to protect the relationship since they can walk out at any time; they practice little or no self-discipline in dealing with conflict .These people come into cohabitation with patterns of practicing verbal, mental or physical abuse. Individuals from broken or unhealthy families are more likely to cohabit. In addition, they may bring poor patterns of conflict resolution to the relationship. For all couples, the quality of conflict resolution is the greatest predictor of overall marital quality.

Money/finance matters. Cohabiters who marry have more conflict over money than non-cohabiters. Research indicates that in dealing with finance areas, cohabiters have "independence and competition" as defining characteristics, while good marriage calls for "interdependence and mutuality. "

Cohabiting men are more threatened than married men by female partners who earn more than they do. One cohabiting partner may expect change after marriage in the way finance is handled, while the other expects the patterns to stay the same.

Marriage preparation needs to help couples articulate expectations and challenges.

Children. Forty percent of cohabiters have children in their relationship, either the children of the relationship or the children that one or the other brings to the relationship. In general, any relationship bringing children to a marriage has a higher incidence of instability. Sometimes cohabiters are marrying only, or primarily, to bring stability to the life of the children. The question needs to be asked: "Would you be marrying if it were not for the sake of the children?"

Sexual issues. When it comes to the question of fidelity, cohabitation is more like dating than it is like marriage. Research on women indicates that cohabiters are more likely than non-cohabiters to have secondary sexual partners once they marry. What are the sexual fidelity patterns and expectations of each partner?

View of self or partner as poor marriage material. Many people cohabit because they do not see themselves or their partners as good marriage material. In fact, cohabiters have a higher incidence of negative social or drug/alcohol-related patterns than that of the general population. Forty percent of cohabiters break up their relationships. This may be because some recognize that they are poor relationship material. Fifty percent of cohabiters, however, move on to marriage. It is important to help them examine if the dysfunctions in self or the other have changed. If not, how will they deal with them in marriage?

Article #2. "MISSING THE MARK" ON COHABITATION

The following are excerpts from an article by Fr. John Bionnici, Director of the Family Life/Respect Life office in the Archdiocese of New York.

After several introductory statements, Fr. Bonnici raises the question of why dating couples move in together. He believes the many reasons can be summarized under three categories.

1. Consolidation - Financial Reasons

The modem world is increasingly infatuated with material wealth. Double-income households, limited numbers of children, prenuptial agreements and aggressive investment plans are just a few signs of the times. People everywhere are becoming anxiously concerned about their financial well-being.

From the secular perspective, the choice to consolidate may initially seem prudent to a couple. Given the high expense of rent, characteristic of many large cities as well as other costs of living, pooling resources prior to marriage can even seem logical. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. Living together is not a prudent choice. It is illogical. No matter the money saved or the resources earned, the spiritual price is far too high. God's teaching on the sacred nature of the married bond should not be sacrificed on the altar of fiscal expediency.

2. Caution. Among the reasons verbalized by couples to defend their choice to "live together," one argument seems to get a good deal of attention in the mass media. It is sometimes popular to view cohabitation as a preventive strike against divorce. In other words, couples apprehensive about the success of their anticipated marriage become convinced that living together outside of marriage is a necessary prerequisite to marital bliss.

The falsehood of the "caution" argument is centered on one important truth - namely, that marriage and cohabitation are not the same thing. The two are markedly different. Notwithstanding the genuine feelings felt by couples in a non-married state, the union itself is always conditioned. The non-married state is not as equally binding as marriage. In the words of the bishops of Pennsylvania, "living together before marriage is different from living together in marriage, because there is no binding commitment to support the relationship." Moreover, it is this fundamental difference that prevents cohabitation from being a preventive measure against marital difficulty.

3. Congruity - The Search for the Perfect Mate. It is probably safe to state that men and women contemplating the possibility of marriage are somewhat preoccupied with the goal of finding the perfect mate. Despite advances in technology, this task is no easier today than it was generations ago. In fact, the desire to enter a life-time relationship with a person of the opposite sex is plausibly harder than ever in the modem world. This unfortunate trend is due in part to the growing absence of a time-honored tradition called courtship. The National Marriage Project states:

These young men and women reject traditional courtship as a way of finding out about a person's character. They see dating as a "game," full of artifice and role-playing, while living together is more natural, honest and revealing.

The "game" identified here is not a produce of true courtship.

It is the result of mixing true friendship with sexual activity outside of marriage.

The following story, a reflection of a 22-year-old graduate student named Marsha, underlines the fallacy of mixing true friendship and sexual activity outside marriage. She writes:

My own parents divorced 15 years ago, so I was determined not to jump into marriage. That's why I moved in with Tom - so we could develop our relationship and get to know each other first. It went from beautiful to miserable in about four months.

I was knocking myself out to please him, feeling insecure whenever the arrangement seemed the least bit shaky. And I was using sex in a way that was false to myself. . . I told Tom I wanted to move out and think things over. I wanted him to really see me as a person - something our sexual relationship made it hard for him to do. I wanted perspective and friendship. I must say that - after the initial shock - Tom rose to the challenge. We spent a whole year getting to know each other every way but horizontally. . . That gave me new respect for myself - and for Tom. We're getting married. It took a while, but now we know we are committed.

Marsha's story is not unique. Couples everywhere are experiencing the same. Despite their intention to be fiscally prudent, emotionally cautious and successful in discovering the perfect mate, they fail. Failure is due to their inability to separate fact from fiction when it comes to the issue of cohabitation.

The Greek word for sin is translated as "missing the mark. " Living together outside

of marriage is missing the mark. Living life according to the teaching of the Church may be difficult for some. A few may find the teaching against cohabitation unrealistic and burdensome. Nevertheless, we are constantly called to experience the grace of God, the gift of reconciliation and the power of love in the Christian life. Thankfully, "With God all things are possible" (Mt. 19:26).

Article #3. NINE SUGGESTIONS FOR PARENTS AND THEIR COHABITING CHILDREN

The following are some excerpts from a third article by Msgr. Joseph Champlin, a priest who has worked with and written for Pre-Cana couples for many years. Fr. Champlin is presently Rector of the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception in Syracuse, New York. In 1967, he wrote a book called Together for Life, which is still used by our church in Pre-Cana classes.

In his article, Fr. Champlin offers nine suggestions to parents who must respond, in some way, to cohabiting children. In the interest of space, I will simply summarize some of the nine suggestions.

1. Begin early. When an engaged couple arrives in the priest's office to plan their marriage, it is almost too late to address the issue. Perhaps the priest can suggest sexual abstinence for a period of time before the marriage so that the wedding night will differ from the night before the wedding. Sharing information and talking about this issue should begin in high school.

2. Know the facts. The facts on cohabitation are found in Sr. Barbara's article. Once again, they include higher divorce rates; poorer communication adjustments in marriage; an increase in domestic violence; less interdependence and more independence between the couples; greater conflicts over money - these are a few negative effects when cohabitation is part of the marriage .preparation process.

3. Listen. Even though parents may be disappointed to hear that their son or daughter is about to move in with his/her girl/boyfriend, they should take time to listen to why the couple is making this decision.

4. Disclose convictions and feelings. Once the couple believes that they have been heard by Mom and Dad, they may be more open to hear the parents' viewpoint. Parents will, hopefully, share information found in this bulletin. Parents will need to share gently, but with conviction, their opposition to cohabitation and why they are opposed to it. Most likely, the young couple never heard the viewpoint on cohabitation expressed in this bulletin.

5. Distinguish between home and away. Many parents adopt the following approach: "While you are away or at college we can't control your behavior. But, while you are at home, with your boy/girlfriend, we expect you to follow and respect the standards that we have raised you with. This means no sleeping together in our home."

6. Form a united front. Ideally, both parents should talk this issue over together and arrive at a consensus as to how they will react to their children's actual or potential cohabitation.

7. A void playing God. Our Church teaches that premarital sex and cohabitation are objectively wrong and sinful, but they are only sinful for the dating couple, if they believe such behavior to be wrong. Very often a young couple may believe that there is nothing sinful about premarital sex and cohabitation because "everyone is doing it" or seems to be doing it. As a result, Fr. Champlin believes that parents cross the line when they say something like the following:

"You are living in sin. You have seriously sinned. You must go to confession now. You may not go to Communion until you have seen the priest and been forgiven." Fr. Champlin adds: "Statements and comments like that cross the line. Parents are now playing God, mixing objectively wrong actions with personally subjective sin. Only the Creator can judge the sinfulness of an individual action. "

8. Do not blame yourselves. Most parents torture themselves when faced with an unwed teenage pregnant daughter, or adolescent son on drugs or adult children who no longer attend church and neglect to baptize their children. On this matter, Fr. Champlin writes:

"If parents have done their best by good example and wise guidance, then such dads and moms need to let go of this debilitating guilt. After all, they can give their children only good upbringing and wings; they merely point the way, teach them to fly and release them to the world. They surely may feel sad and wounded about the cohabitation. But it would be a mistake for them also to bear the burden of guilt.

9. Show constant and unconditional love. On this point, Fr. Champlin writes:

"It should be clear that there are serious moral and practical negative dimensions to cohabitation. Yet, for those couples who will marry in the immediate or near future, this is a temporary concern. They will be righting the wrong at that time.

Moreover, even in today's worrisome pattern of cohabitation without any thought of marriage, a son remains a son, a daughter a daughter.

As we ponder the parable of the Prodigal Son, we realize that God's love for us is constant, unconditional and not dependent upon how good or bad we are, how well or poorly we keep the commandments. That divine, steadfast, never-ceasing love is most uniquely and effectively communicated through a similar love shown by parents to their children.

In summary, we recommend to parents that they teach, warn or even contradict their children, but also always love them regardless of their currently bad choices.

Church Teaching

In a pastoral letter on cohabitation, Archbishop Sheehan writes:

"The Church teaches that cohabitation and sexual union between the unmarried is sinful (see Catechism of the Catholic Church, nos. 2350-2400), and as such undermines the very holiness of life one seeks in the Sacrament of Matrimony.

Cohabitation is scandalous and detracts from the sacredness of marriage.

St. Paul writes that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. "Do not be deceived; neither fornicators nor idolaters. . . will inherit the kingdom of God" (1 Cor. 6:9-10). (Fornication is the term used in the scriptures for premarital sex.)

Older siblings who decide to cohabit should take into consideration the impact of their decision on their younger siblings. Very often younger siblings use older siblings as role-models.

The Church is opposed to couples living together and engaging in premarital sex because they are acting as if they are married when, in fact, they are not. To live together as if you were married when, in fact, you are not is a lie and therefore morally wrong.

For 2,000 years the Christian church, guided by the Scriptures and the Holy Spirit, has consistently taught that living together is not the way to prepare for a Christian marriage. Do we think that God is now speaking a new word to our generation? I doubt it. Are couples who choose to follow the traditional teaching of Christ and the Church "old-fashioned?" Only if one thinks that the Eternal Word of God has suddenly become old-fashioned in the late 21st Century.

Sexual intercourse is sometimes called the "language of love." In God's design, sexual intercourse belongs in the context of "committed love" and the possibility of "new life." So, from a Christian viewpoint, when two people make love they are saying to each other, "I love you today and I am committed to loving you in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad times and all the days of my life. And, if God blesses our love with new life, I am ready to care for that new life with you." That is the Christian meaning of genital intercourse. Often today, people try to rewrite its meaning to suit their own needs, e.g., "I love you today for the pleasure you give me, for the way you make me feel," or "I love you today, I hope I can love you tomorrow, but I don't want to make any commitments and please know that if you become pregnant, it's your responsibility." Sometimes we allow our bodies to say more than our hearts are ready or willing to give. When that happens our lovemaking is a lie however sincere it may seem.

Christian marriage is a wonderful vocation and it deserves the very best when it comes to preparation. Let us not toss aside 2,000 years of Christian wisdom for a modem trend that is being tried and already found wanting in a multitude of ways.

As I said earlier, I hope you will share this bulletin with young people whether they are dating or not and with cohabiting couples, especially those who are not engaged to be married.

On the Lighter Side

Fr. Champlin ends his article with a story sent to him by a mother concerned about her own daughter. This is her story.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate, Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates. "

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John. "

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother, which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom. "

© By Fr. Eamon Tobin