In this bulletin, we will look at a definition of chastity, forms of unchaste behavior, obstacles to living a chaste life and healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with the genital dimension of our sexuality.

What is Chastity?

In their document on Human Sexuality, the U.S. Bishops tell us: "Chastity truly consists in the long-term integration of one's thoughts, feelings and actions in a way that values, esteems and respects the dignity of oneself and others. Chastity frees us from the tendency to act in a manipulative or exploitive manner in our relationships and enables us to show true love and kindness always"

From the above quotation, we can see that chastity primarily has to do with respect and reverence towards oneself and other people.

Forms of Unchaste Behavior

Married and single people, priests and vowed religious persons can sin against this aspect of the Christian life in different ways. For example, all of us are being unchaste when we relate to others in manipulative, seductive and exploitative ways, and when we seek to control, dominate and pull rank on others. Chastity doesn't just involve refraining from genital gratification and impure thoughts. We can also be unchaste by undervaluing ourselves as sexual persons, by rigidly controlling and repressing all sexual feelings, and by living as "sexless people. "

Married persons are being unchaste when they engage in loveless sex and treat each other like "cold fish." Pope John Paul II startled people in one of his weekly talks on sexuality in 1980 when he said that a husband can be guilty of lust with his wife "if he treats her only as an object to satisfy his own instinctive needs." Celibate clergy and religious are being unchaste when they isolate themselves from their people or treat them as inferior.

We can also be chaste or unchaste in the way we touch others. As embodied spirits, we are called to love others in a bodily way. We all know what the touch of a hand or a hug can mean when we are hurting. We also know we can touch others with the intention of seducing them for our own selfish gain. We are unchaste when we refrain from all touch and when we touch others in ways that are not respectful and truly caring.

Obstacles to Living a Chaste Life

There are many factors in our upbringing and in society which militate against the practice of chaste living. First of all, most of us were raised in a reformative and dysfunctional family and church environment where sexual issues were not talked about in an open and positive way. We may have been raised to view our bodies and pleasure negatively. An elderly sister once observed in a meeting that I attended, "If it felt good, you knew it was wrong."

Our moral formation told us that sexual sins were the worst kind of sins we could commit. Perhaps we may even have been told that sex was dangerous, or worse still, "dirty." Secondly, having been raised in a male-dominated society, most males consciously or unconsciously received the message that they were superior to women and that women didn't need to be respected as much as men. This often led to the "double-standard" belief that it was okay for husbands to "step out" on their wives, while wives remained faithful to their husbands. Thirdly, the Playboy Culture, television, movies and some contemporary music and magazines cheapen sex and reduce it to its physical and pleasure dimensions. They treat casual sexual encounters and temporary relationships on a par with permanent commitment in marriage. All of the above factors militate against chaste living and against treating the sexuality of ourselves and others in a respectful and reverent way.

Unhealthy Ways of Dealing with the Genital Dimension of our Sexuality

Every married and unmarried person has to learn to integrate into his/her life the genital dimension of his/her sexuality. Failure to do this will hurt our human and spiritual growth.

Dr. William Kraft, who has degrees in psychology and spirituality, outlines in his book, Whole and Holy Sexuality, a number of healthy and unhealthy ways that we can cope with the genital dimension of our sexuality. Kraft's list of unhealthy ways of coping include: ,

Repression - Through this negative defense mechanism, a person seeks to push down into his unconscious all thoughts and feelings about genital sex. The ironic thing about repression is that it increases rather than decreases the strength of sexual feelings and promotes pressure for expression. Repressed sexual energy often gets played out in irritable behavior, or one may withdraw from relationships out of fear of becoming aroused.

Insulation and Isolation - Some people cope with sexual feelings and the fear of genital involvement by withdrawing into themselves, by becoming very detached and emotionally uninvolved, and by living "from the neck up." One woman comments about her husband: "My husband is a good man. He is loyal and trustworthy. He will do anything for me, but he cannot share himself, especially his feelings. He seems interested only in genital gratification, not in intimacy" (Whole and Holy Sexuality, p.74).

Acting Out. The other extreme to repression, insulation and isolation is a promiscuous lifestyle whereby people become involved periodically or regularly in "one night stands," short-term relationships, compulsive masturbation and pornography. Individuals who constantly repress all genital feelings and desires may sometimes go on an acting out spree of the sexual behaviors mentioned above.

Healthy Ways to Cope with Genital Feelings and Desires

Dr. Kraft notes that many of us learn only two ways of dealing with sexual feelings and desires, namely, repression and gratification. Some of the healthy ways of coping which he suggests are:

Sublimation - This involves redirecting of energy from one activity to another. In sublimation we recognize the okay ness of sexual feelings and desires, but we choose not to act them out. Rather, we redirect our sexual energy into other activities that promote healthy living; e.g., a sport or other forms of recreation, reading, music, etc.

Anticipation - This tactic involves anticipating situations or temptations that are going to occur or are likely to occur and planning a course of action that will prevent negative consequences. For example, a woman knows that at certain times during her monthly cycle that she will be more lonely, vulnerable and in need of affection. During such days a woman can plan activities that will help her to cope in a healthy way with her strong genital desires. Dr. Kraft notes that" Alcoholics Anonymous has an acronym called HALT. It is a reminder that when one is Hungry (in whatever way), Angry, Lonely or Tired, it is time to be careful. The advice is relevant not only to alcoholism but to any problem." There are special times or moments in life when we must stop, step back, think, pray and take measures to deal with our vulnerability and the temptations that cross our path.

Friends - Having a friend and other trustworthy persons with whom we can share our feelings, sexual desires, temptations and difficulties is one of the best blessings in life. Being genuinely listened to invariably increases our sense of well-being, decreases stress and helps us to feel more free and hopeful. Today millions of Americans are finding the support of friendship in a fellowship group. Such groups offer compassion and support, help us to see our blind sides, and sometimes offer good suggestions for improvements. It is important to choose our friends well especially those who have a value system similar to our own.

Prayer - Prayer is our way to connect with God. The U.S. bishops remind us that our sexuality is "a dimension or our restless heart which yearns for interpersonal communion..." This yearning of our heart finds a certain fulfillment in relationships with others, but its ultimate fulfillment can only be found in God. When we take time to connect with God we are taking time to connect with the

One who alone can satisfy the deepest yearnings of our heart. Secondly, prayer is a key and essential resource as we struggle with sexual feelings and genital desires. God is our Higher Power who will help us when we feel weak, vulnerable and powerless. Also, it will be most helpful if we have a relationship with Jesus, who was not only God but a person like us in all things but sin.

Many Catholics find regular use of the Sacrament of Reconciliation a big help as they struggle with the temptation to act out sexually in unhealthy ways. Humbly facing our limitations and failures and seeking God's grace and strength will have a transforming effect on our lives.

© by Father Eamon Tobin

Suggested reading: Whole and Holy Sexuality, William Kraft, Abbey Press, St. Meinrad, IN. Other related bulletins in this series: Human Sexuality: An Introduction to the Catholic Church's Teaching on

Sexual Morality Issues; The Courage to be Chaste, Benedict Groeschel O.F.M., Paulist Press.