Keeping intimacy

Intimacy is the courtship continued. It is the glue of marriage, holding the structure together.

Intimacy is more than a satisfactory sexual relationship, although such a relationship is integral to it. It is the sum of all the little things that enable on person to respond to another in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad because there is enjoyment in being together.

Unfortunately, intimacy is easily lost through neglect and indifference. The result is isolation and loneliness.

A widower writing to Ann Landers expressed regrets that he so often ignored his wife's plea to "please come home early."

"Now that she's gone, I've found the time to 'come home early,' but there is nobody to come home to. There is nobody to do those simple little things with, such as watching the evening news, listening to music and reading the paper."

Once lost, intimacy can be regained by those courtship techniques that tell the other, "I love you in a special way."

Sitting on the beach watching the tides wash sand castles away, Sue Monk Kidd had the feeling her marriage was awash also. Sensing her unease, her husband asked what was wrong. She confessed her fear that they were taking their marriage for granted. That night, walking along the beach, they renewed their wedding vows.

Joe and Juanita Altschuler of Liburn, GA., had been married for 23 years when they made a Marriage Encounter, a weekend retreat for couples. The experience, they said, "brought us back to the excitement we felt in the earlier years of our marriage." (If interested in more information about a Marriage Encounter Weekend, call Mike and Christy Marzec at 723-0574)

Rafael and Margarita Chavez of Colorado, when asked the secret of their 65-year marriage, confided, "Prayer, prayer and more prayer." The couple say the rosary together in the morning and the evening, praying not only for their own needs but for the most pressing needs of others.

The growth of love is not a straight line but a series of hills and valleys...Sometimes these desert lines are simply the only way to the next oasis, which is far more lush and beautiful after the desert crossing than it could possibly have been without it.

Five years after her marriage, Mary B. Hawley of Wisconsin made this observation: "Married life has been a series of changes, adjustments and realizations. The romance is not gone, but it has changed."

Your marriage stands a better chance of succeeding if you understand that change is inevitable and constructive change is essential.

Not all change is good. Sometimes one partner may become too engrossed in parenting or in making money, and the marital relationship deteriorates. When this happens, therapists advise couples to act immediately to become "reacquainted" and revitalize intimacy.

Change can be encouraged. Through good example or words of praise, one partner can inspire the other, according to Edwin and Sally Kiester in Reader's Digest. They tell how one man lacking in confidence developed it because his wife never missed an opportunity to praise him for acting with assurance. "I became someone I never could have become without her," he said.

Prayer is necessary. A divorcee, writing about her successful marriage to a divorced alcoholic, gave this as the formula that helped their family: "Prayers, a sense of commitment, prayers, respect for each other and our children, prayers, knowing when to instruct and when to listen, prayers and always standing together."

Conflict is a sign that a marriage is alive. Conflict is the arena where growth in a relationship takes place.

Just as change is inevitable in marriage, so is conflict. Like change, conflict can be a means of growth-or disintegration.

According to a study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, couples who learn to argue well are more likely to have happier marriages than those who repress differences.

As long-term marrieds testify, disputes can develop over matters unimportant as well as important. A Connecticut couple, Patrick and Diane Brennan, confesses that one of their first arguments was about the right way to fold towels when they came out of the dryer.

When dealing with conflict, remember the following:

Be specific. State the real reason for your anger, annoyance or disappointment rather than expecting your spouse to figure it out.

Listen. Put aside your own feelings and emotions as best you can and try to really listen to what your spouse is saying. Understanding is basic to reconciliation.

Choose an appropriate time and place. And it's never a good idea to argue if one or both of you have been drinking.

Keep things in perspective. "You're two people trying to settle into one life, and until you see that sometimes even quarreling can make you closer...you can't really know what true joy is," says Natalie Wood of Maine, married for 39 years.

Forgive. Extend forgiveness to your spouse if you've been hurt; ask for it if you caused the hurt. "If you're going to talk about change in marriage, you've got to talk about forgiveness," says Will Willimon of Duke University Divinity School.

People think talking about money is cold and calculated. It may not be romantic but you have to talk...about everything: inheritances, stocks, bonds, checking accounts. Everything.

Judith Siegel of Northwestern University believes money is a hot issue because it "is the most visible symbol of self-worth" to many people. Disputes about money, she says, are frequently struggles over power.

There is also the need for a feeling of independence and equality. One woman, a banker, remembers that her mother had to ask her father for money whenever it was needed. Says she, "I never, ever, want to have to grovel for money."

Structure your own system. What works for one family might not work for another. Mississippians William and Marilyn Gardner decided on a salary for her when she gave up her job to raise their children.

Provide independence. Whether there are joint accounts, separate accounts or some combination, each partner should have access to some funds to spend as he or she sees fit.

Agree on the essentials. No major expenditures ought to be undertaken without agreement. Whether to take expensive vacations or invest in a house depends on joint priorities.

Communicate. Each spouse must understand the family financial situation and the things he or she would need to know in an emergency. Discuss such future considerations as the need to educate children or care for aging parents. Financial surprises can wreak havoc even in stable relationships.

Put money in perspective. Says Rita Super of Bolingbrook, Ohio: "Material goods are not that important...To have my infant son smile at me - you can't put a dollar figure on that."

Says Diane Medved, author or "The Case Against Divorce": "That's something you can hang onto when it gets tough, which it inevitably does. God's hand is involved. God has a stake in your marriage too."

Marriage, at times, seems like the tree John and Beatrice Challiss planted in the yard of their Los Angeles home. The tree lost its leaves and then its branches and "stood like a pipe driven into the ground, a total failure for all to see," according to Beatrice Challiss.

But John Challiss drilled 10 holes for deep root irrigation all around the tree and drew a map showing the location of the holes. They watered and fertilized each year and the tree grew. It became central to their family life and celebrations, with children playing around it and even being married under it. Now it is enjoyed by grandchildren.

Marriage too can be spindly at the start but it flourishes when lovingly nurtured and given over to God's care.

A married couple's prayer

Lord, we are sorry and we ask your forgiveness that sometimes we show lack of respect, and understanding and love:

That we neglect each other by neglecting to pray for each other; that we have often spoiled the perfect relationship you planned for us; and yet we also want to thank you for the happiness we have known together, for the sadness we have faced together, for the problems we are overcoming together, for the love which you give us which is completely unspoiled. Amen.

Christopher Idle

Reflection Questions: What spoke to you most in the above article? Is there something in the article that you would like to talk to your spouse more about? (Maybe I shouldn't have asked that second question.)

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