A few years ago a marriage enrichment magazine called Marriage devoted a whole issue to Preventing and Dealing with Marital Affairs. The following are some excerpts from one article by Tom Eiseman. His article was an excerpt from his book called The Temptations Men Face: Eiseman writes:

Extramarital affairs most often occur without conscious premeditation. If we tried people today for having affairs, few would be found guilty of adultery in the first degree. Men and women usually slip into a relationship with someone and soon find that they are deeply involved and it is difficult to disentangle themselves.

Two factors combine to create a situation ripe for the affair : There has to be an emotional readiness and a timely opportunity.

The condition of a marriage also contributes to a person's readiness for an affair. If there is tension in the marriage relationship, it is easy to see an outside person as the answer to all life's problems. Couples with unresolved relational difficulties, money problems, or unrewarding sexual lives within the marriage can become candidates for an affair.

Once the readiness quotient is present, all that is needed for a person to respond favorably is the "right" person in the wrong place and at the wrong time. We should fight this battle on two fronts: 1) Work to eliminate any problems that could potentially lead to either our own or our spouse's readiness to become involved with another person and, 2) Study and understand how affairs happen to fine couples with good marriages.

Dr. Lindsay shares some of these rationales: One woman thought God understood and accepted her numerous affairs because after all, it was he who created within her this need for other men. A man said, "It's okay, because each time we have sex we end by praying together." Rationalization working hand in hand with denial can alter our sense of reality and make us less able and willing to recognize that we are moving toward a fall. Both play a part at each step in this process.

Two Stages That Can Lead to Affairs

In young families where children come into the picture quickly, the demands of motherhood are fulltime (besides perhaps working outside the home). Usually at the same time the husband is just beginning to take off in his career. Their growth paths diverge. They have not attended to the need to continue to grow together as a couple; but they need to.

The other life stage that has great potential for going wrong is the time of mid-life transition, especially a man's.

The Bridge Affair versus the Repair Affair. The former signals the end of the marriage. The latter is often a cry for help or attention.

The whole issue of the March/April 2000 of Marriage magazine was devoted to martial infidelity. To get a copy call 1-800-627-7424.