When you say the word "spouse," what is the first thing that pops into your mind? Lover? Breadwinner? Parenting partner? While these are all valid associations, today’s happiest couples are more likely than ever before to reply "best friend." More and more research in the area of marital happiness is showing that couples, who build their relationship on a firm foundation of friendship, are likely to honor their marriage vows and to enjoy marital happiness. Today, couples are living longer than ever before which means that, if marriages are to last forever, couples better learn to be friends. Today, most couples will spend most of their married lives without children at home. And that is one reason why we see so many midlife divorces. Once the family’s raised and they have made material gains, some couples realize that there is nothing left and so they divorce. When they marry the second time they’re looking for a friend and companion.
Mid-life divorce is a heartrending process as anyone who has ever had the experience of being wrenched away from an established place in society, a home and a shared history will attest. Even the partner who initiates the separation often leaves with great reluctance and pain. What’s more, the future of second marriages isn’t a totally "rosy" picture—almost half end in divorce. It is little wonder, then, that counselors are emphasizing the importance of establishing a true friendship right from the start.
They Knew Their Neighbors Better Than They Knew Each Other.
One couple, after 28 years and two grown children came very close to joining the ranks of the over 200,000 couples over age 50 who head to the divorce courts each year. After their youngest daughter moved, they made the startling discovery that they knew their neighbors better than they knew each other. They realized that often the most meaningful thing that they had to say to each other at meals was "please pass the butter" Johanna, the wife said. "Actually, the silence was better than talking because when we did talk we only shouted at each other." For Johanna and her husband, Bill, relief and healing and a new beginning to their marriage came at a Marriage Encounter weekend. Amongst other things the Marriage Encounter weekend taught them how to share faith and the spiritual dimension of their lives. Even though they went to church regularly they never shared the "faith dimension" of their lives. Research shows that, generally speaking, men find it hard to expose their souls and women find it hard to expose their bodies.
The Reilly’s are an example of another couple who work hard to keep their marriage alive and growing. This Christmas, Tom gave his wife Jessica a charm which had the words "Best Friends" on it. "I’m no different than most guys," Tom is quick to point out. "I was one of six boys with parents who didn’t show either us or each other a lot of affection. I really had to work hard to get to where I am in my marriage and I’m still working at it. But it’s worth it. Jess understands what I need and what I like and she is very supportive of me and I am supportive of her.
"It wasn’t always this way with the Reilly’s," Jess says. "When we first got married we were friends at arms length. We had to learn to trust each other, to feel emotionally safe with each other. I think that that is the most important thing if you’re to begin to share intimately with each other.: "That’s right," Tom says, nodding. "And that comes from both experience and time. Each year Jess and I get closer and closer.
Couples Need Other Couples
Father Becherer, a Marriage Counselor for many years says: "Couples need other couples who can be nurturing and supportive. Healthier couples know this instinctively. But the wife may have close friends of her own, and this should in no way be threatening to the healthy marriage because the husband realizes that his wife has psychosocial needs beyond him."
The Reilly’s agree. They have a small, tight knit core group of very close friends who can be depended on, not only in times of major crises, but also when the stresses and strains of married life take their toll. Like most men, Tom also maintains a separate circle of business-associates with whom he can get in a fast game of racquetball or an occasional Sunday afternoon ballgame. As an individual, though, he still sees Jessica as his best friend and confidante. While she views him as her best friend, she is also concerned that the relationships she cherishes with two women friends not be undermined either. "I need these women in my life," she says. "And Tom understands that. He knows that I confide in them, but he also knows that I love him and would do nothing to hurt him or our relationship. And he is secure in the knowledge that my friends want our marriage to work out. I don’t think I could be close to a woman who didn’t value my relationship with my husband."
Physical closeness
Most, if not all, couples say that physical closeness is crucial to their marriage. Sometimes a hug or a caring touch can build a bridge faster and easier than even the most carefully chosen words. The phrase "out of touch" generally refers to "emotional distancing," but it is interesting that it employs a word that is unabashedly physical. Couples who are in touch physically find it much easier to stay that way emotionally. What’s more, research shows that physical closeness reduces stress and may even have long-range health benefits. The Reilly’s have experienced the magic of touch.
"Jessica and I have always been physically close," Tom Reilly says. "I never had much affection growing up and I seem to have a great need for it. We hold hands when we’re walking in the mall like two teenagers and in the evening we snuggle up to watch TV. Our kids see this, especially our two boys, and know that it’s a natural part of caring and not unmanly."
Gestures of Friendship and Love
In his book, The Friendship Factor, Ly McGinnis talks about the importance of friendship and love. Gestures of love and friendship need not be earth-shattering. They can be as simple as a husband noticing that his wife seems unusually tired and taking over a chore she normally does, or a wife picking up a copy of the latest book by her husband’s favorite author.
Since Tom Reilly leaves for work before his wife is up, he often leaves her a note in the instant coffee jar. She’ll sometimes send him a special card at the office. Other couples give each other a surprise treat, tape a TV show that a spouse likes and has to miss or give each other a back rub without being asked. None of these gestures are dramatic, but they all say, "I love you, you’re important to me."
Therapists call the mature years of marriage a harvest time, a time for reaping what has been sown since the fateful day the marriage vows were solemnly exchanged. When relationships are shaky or ready to topple, the harvest is apt to be scant and the crop bitter. But when couples like the Reilly’s build their marriage on a firm foundation of friendship, there’s a joy in both the planting and the nurturing. And the time of gleaning is the greatest gift of all.
Reflection Questions
Your might share with your spouse your responses to the following questions or just think about them yourself.