What is this "Smart Marriage" thing about?
It's the idea that marriage is skill-based. Like football. The way we have it set up now a couple gets married and we send them out there to win based on "Love and commitment." That's like asking a football team to win on team spirit-"for the Gipper" - but not letting them learn any plays or signals. No skills at all-just win on love. The basis for a smart marriage is exciting new research that finds that what is different about the marriages that make it-that go the distance and stay happy-are behaviors and skills. And even more exciting they are simple skills that any fool can learn.
After speaking a bit about the courses the organization offers and the skills they teach, the interviewer says:
So, it's all about skills? Actually it sounds like it's about learning how to fight.
Yes, and no. It is all about skills. One great skill in all relationships, even friendship, is knowing how to manage conflict. The couples that stay happy don't start out richer, better looking, more passionate, or more committed. And, remarkably, they disagree about just as many things-and the same things as the couples that divorce. It turns out all couples fight about all the same things! Money, time, housework, sex, priorities, the kids, etc. How they handle the inevitable disagreements is crucial. The best predictor of divorce. But as John Gottman pointed out in his :Report From the Love Lab" there are also equally important skills for expressing admiration and appreciation for each other and for accepting influence from each other.
These courses are for engaged couples or newlyweds? The idea is to learn how to do it right in the beginning?
Yes, they're great for couples just starting out. But these are relationship skills - and at any stage of the game. Long-married couples with serious problems can learn skills to sort things out and, in doing so, can fall back in love. And long-married couples without problems should rush out and sign up. It's a great way to celebrate an anniversary-to make a good thing even better-and keep things zipping along. It turns out you can teach an old dog new tricks. Both genders. The research finds that the challenge isn't our gender differences so much as it is the new challenges and demands faced by both men and women. As Peggy Papp puts it, it's not that men are from Mars and women from Venues, it's that we're all from Earth-and all the rules are changing. "All couple today are pioneers-whether they're newlywed or long-married-as they try to work out the demands of two-earner, time pressured lives." In designing her course, Maintaining A Loving Relationship, she asked herself what couples need in order to make it. "These exercises help couples learn very simple skills to open a new dialogue with each other, open up new pathways." That sums it up-our new optimism about marriage. And about self-help marriage education. People are sick of leaving it up to chance-they're ready to become proactive about making their relationships last.
The lady being interviewed said that the only wedding gift that she now gives is the gift of a course on marriage. What a nice anniversary gift to also give.
What are nine things you'd tell couples-pointers from the conference-about how to have a smart marriage?
1. It's not differences but how you handle them that separates the successful marriage from the failures. Disagreement isn't predictive of divorce. Fighting isn't predictive of divorce. Stonewalling, avoidance, disengagement, contempt, criticism and silent treatment are.
2. Marriage does matter-it affects your health, wealth, sexual satisfaction and your kids.
3. All couples have approximately ten issues they will never resolve-if you switch partners you'll just get ten new issues, and they are likely to be more complicated the second time around. What's important is to develop a dialogue or "dance" with your particular set of issues-as you would with a chronic bad back or trick knee. You don't like them, you wish they weren't there, but you keep talking about them and learn how to live with and accommodate them.
4. Love is not absolute, a truth, or a limited substance-that you're in it or out of it. It's a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before.
5. Remember that marital satisfaction often drops with the birth of a baby, and with each successive birth-that's normal. Marital satisfaction is at its lowest when there are kids in the house between 11 and 16. That's normal. Hang in there. Satisfaction goes back up with the empty nest-the final stage of marriage, the last third, is the real honeymoon period.
6. Sex ebbs and flows, too, comes and goes. That's normal. Enjoy the flows. Creating good marital sex isn't about putting the sizzle back into your sex life. Early marital sex is sex between strangers-you don't know your partner or yourself at that point. It's not about going back-it's about going forward. Passionate sex is based on knowing your partner and letting them know you. Intimate sex is passionate sex.
7. Repair attempts are crucial-highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic-but this willingness to make up after an argument or fight is central to every happy marriage.
8. Welcome, embrace and integrate change. Learn ways to discuss and update your wishes, hopes and dreams. Your desires and beliefs. On a regular basis. We too often interview each other before marriage and then thing "that's it." The marriage vow is a promise to stay married, not to stay the same.
9. Take a different marriage education course or read a book on marriage every year. Become an informed consumer and rate the courses, discuss with your partner which you liked best, which ones you think helped you the most. The courses don't tell you what kind of marriage to have-that's up to the two of you. They give you the tools-the hammers, screwdrivers and levels-so you can build the kind of marriage that suits you and which can help you negotiate and renegotiate your own value and meaning.
Speaking as Christians, I (Fr. Tobin) am sure we would want to add the importance of prayer and spirituality. At every wedding, I urge the newlyweds to frequently pray for their marriage, pray that God will give them the grace each day to be a good and loving spouse. I pray daily that God will help me to be a good shepherd to you. I wonder how many couples pray frequently for the grace to be a good wife/husband (and parent).
Reflection Questions
Three web sites.
http:www.smartmarriages.com offers a host of resources. The following are three:
Association for couples in Marriage Enrichment. (It may be a different name now. Web-www.bettermarriages.org.
Before you Divorce-strong medicine for failing marriages. This course contains five video sessions providing a "reality check" for couples considering divorce. For more information see, www.beforeyoudivorce.org.
Building Successful Stepfamily. For more information see www.successfulstepfamilies.com
Our Diocese hosts a Marriage Encounter weekend about ten times a year. The purpose of the weekend is to "make good marriages better". For more information call 407-933-5546 evenings.
Our Diocese also hosts a Retrouvaille Weekend for failing marriages. . For more information call 407-977-8126 web site at retrouvaille.org. All calls are confidential.
Marital Infidelity
The news that one's spouse has been unfaithful has to be one of the most devastating and painful experiences in life. Sometimes it destroys a marriage, but sometimes it is a catalyst for a whole new chapter in a marriage relationship. If you would like to read some very interesting articles on marital affairs, order a copy of the March/April 2000 issue of the magazine, Marriage. The telephone number is 1-800-627-7424. One article states some affairs are intended to say, "the marriage is over," while others are intended to create a crisis so that one can get one's spouse's full attention. The magazine states that the latest research says that, of those who have affairs, 76% remain married. That is good news.
Support for Separated & Divorced Persons
When a death occurs there is a public announcement and the church provides very prayerful rituals to help the survivors deal with a very painful situation. No such public announcement or rituals are provided to help a separating or divorcing persons deal with their painful situation. Instead, it is very messy. Gradually, the word gets out and then the gossip begins about who is to blame etc., etc. Years ago no help was provided by the church for the divorced and separated. Instead such hurting persons and their children were often ostracized. Today, the church offers a lot of pastoral care to separated and divorced persons. Beginning this week, Ascension parish and Holy Name of Jesus, join together in offering a 10 week recovery seminar for separated and divorced persons. See flyer with list of topics, dates and places on page ten of this bulletin.
Annulments
There is a lot of misinformation out there concerning church annulments. Due to a lack of space, I cannot address this issue in this column. But, I have written a 13 question and answer piece on annulments. Canon lawyers tell me, it needs nuancing. I am sure it does, but I believe you will find the article will give most of the information that you need on the annulment process. Questions and Answers on the Annulment Process in the Diocese of Orlando.
Catholics who are divorced and remarried outside the Catholic Church
There are thousands of Catholics who are divorced and remarried outside the Catholic Church. Some, if not many of these could, most likely, receive a Declaration of Nullity for their marriage if they petitioned the church for it. Many don't petition the church because they may have heard horrid stories about the process. I can't speak for other Dioceses, but I believe that our Diocese tries very hard to deal with each case in a compassionate way. If a marriage was truly a sacramental marriage then the church does not have the authority to "divide what Christ joined together." But, what about my spouse who is not Catholic and was not married in church? Those type of questions are answered in my article on annulments.
So what is the church's attitude towards divorced and remarried Catholics outside the church?
They are strongly encouraged to seek an annulment for their first marriage. They are strongly encouraged to continue to come to church and participate in every aspect of the church's life except that of receiving holy communion. Pope John Paul believes that if re-married Catholics (outside the church) are permitted to take holy communion, "the faithful would be led into error and confusion regarding the church's teaching about the permanency of marriage."
This stance of our Church causes a lot of pain for countless numbers of Catholics. Catholics react to the Church's teaching in different ways; some quit our Church and go elsewhere where they will be accepted, some quit Church period, others continue to attend and don't receive Holy Communion and still others continue to receive Holy Communion because they feel "okay about it in their hearts." Our church recognizes the right of a person to follow the judgment of a well-formed conscience. "A human being must always obey the certain judgment of his conscience." (Catechism of the Catholic Church #1776). When it comes to "following one's conscience," we must be sure that we are following a conscience that we sincerely tried to educate. There is a world of difference between a person who decides to do "his or her own thing," and has little or no concern about "what the Church thinks" and the person who truly seeks to educate and inform his/her conscience in the light of the Scriptures and Church teaching. For more on the meaning of conscience and steps involved in making a good conscience decision, see my article on Conscience and Moral Decision Making on the parish web page. See Fr. Tobin's Writings and go to Moral Issues. Also, I would be happy to meet with any couple to explore the possibility of a "Pastoral Solution."