Preparing for Death: Some Practical Suggestions
1. Make a will. Not having a will can create huge financial, legal and emotional problems for surviving members of the family. In making a will, one may want to include one's local parish and church. If your parish has been an important part of your life on earth, why not remember it in your will. Some do. We especially invite parishioners to consider remembering our Parish School Endowment Fund in their wills.
2. Attach to your will a list of insurance policies with names and address of agents to be contacted.
3. List bank accounts. Indicate whether they are joint or individual, savings or checking. Tell where the bank books are kept.
4. Prepare a list of holdings of stocks, bonds, mutual funds, real estate or other forms of property. Indicate where securities and deeds are, where you bought them and what you paid. This will help in filing inheritance tax returns.
5. Give details of any debts, such as the mortgage on your home.
6. Indicate when and where payments must be made on your homeowners insurance policy and property taxes.
7. Write down clearly what kind of funeral arrangements you would like, the place of burial, people to be notified. Do you want to donate organs of your body or your whole body for scientific research?
8. You may wish to plan your funeral service, the readings, music, readers, pallbearers. Cremation is permitted by the Catholic Church. The Church does ask that the body be brought to church (you can rent a casket) for the funeral Mass. Attending properly to the above is a real act of love for family and friends. At the parish office, we have a booklet with readings and music that you can use to plan your funeral.
Other Ways to Prepare for Death
1. Learn about the different stages of dying that people go through when faced with the news that they are terminally ill. These stages have been outlined especially in the extensive work of Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross; the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages are not nearly separated and experienced. At the office we have a few copies of the following two booklets: One You Love is Dying and When You Know Your Dying
2. We prepare for death and dying by learning to talk about it and not pushing it aside. On a Marriage Encounter Weekend one of the sharings is about death. One of the team couples share a letter they wrote to the other about: How do I feel about your death?
3. Volunteering to help someone who is terminally ill is an excellent way to face up to one's own death. In such a situation, we get a firsthand experience of what it means to struggle with dying and letting go to death.
4. We prepare for death by facing and dealing the best we can with the "little deaths" and losses that we encounter in life's journey, loss of a family member, loss of a job, statues, etc. If we face such losses with courage and faith, there is a good chance we will face our own physical death with courage and trust.
5. Above all, we prepare for death by living good lives, leaving the world a better place, and by a deep trust in God. The author of Psalm 23 is a good example of one who had no fear of death because of his strong faith in God. "Even thought I walk in the valley of darkness, I fear no evil for you are with me."
How We Can be a Supportive Presence to the Dying
The first thing we may need to do is to try to come to grips with our own mortality. If we dread death and never talk about it, we will be of little support to a dying spouse or friend. Most likely, we will be uncomfortable when the dying person speaks about death. One person who was denied the opportunity of speaking about his own death wrote: "I want to tell the dread I feel inside. But they are all too 'kind' to talk to me." In refusing to talk about death, we are only caring about ourselves and not the dying person.
Second, we shouldn't put pressure on the dying person to talk about death. If we do, we may be taking care of our own need and not the need of the dying person. It is usually better to let the sick person take the initiative in any conversation about dying and the state of one's health. In all this, each individual case is different and unique and needs to be approached with sensitivity and wisdom.
Third, in the face of death we all experience the feeling of powerlessness. We may have a strong need to "fix things" or "do something useful." We may have a difficult time learning just to be there, holding a hand, listening, being quiet and so forth. Of course, doing the above is a lot. It is really important that the dying person be treated with dignity and respect till the end.
Fourth, ask the dying person if he/she would like you to pray with him/her. If so, has he/she any particular prayers that he/she would like you to say? Would he/she like to receive the sacrament of the sick? It is important to pray with the dying even when they are comatose and unconscious. The sense of hearing is the last sense to go. Hence, the danger of speaking about the dying person as if he/she cannot hear us. Don't say, in his/her presence, anything you wouldn't want him/her to hear.
Fifth, if the sickness is prolonged, we may have to deal with the feelings of anger and resentment. We may even wish the sick person would die so that we would be relieved of the burden of caring for him/her. Such feelings may lead to feelings of guilt. If this happens, we need to remember feelings are neither right nor wrong. Only behavior is right or wrong. In working through such tough feelings, do not hesitate to seek the help of a counselor, a Hospice nurse or your parish priest.
Six, a big challenge in facing the death of a loved one is saying goodbye and reconciling any unfinished business. This is not always easy, but when done it usually leads to a great sense of peace.
Finally, caring for the dying may involve telling them that it is okay for them to go home to God. Sometimes the dying person feels bad about leaving loved ones. They may need our permission to let go of life.
The opportunity to walk with someone who is in pain or dying can be one of the very privileged moments of life. In his poem, Along the Road, Robert Browning tells us:
If you were in a coma and couldn't make a decision about your health care treatment what would you want done for you? Would you want life-sustaining treatment even if there was very little chance of your recovery? Do you want to have a Living Will written up that contains your desires or do you want to leave the decision to a family member to whom you have verbally conveyed your desires?
What can be said about the Living Will? The primary advantage of a Living Will is that a patient's autonomy and dignity be honored with great certainty. In addition, the Living Will assures that unacceptable (extraordinary) pain and suffering are avoided and that the physician is directed to do what is most desirable for the patient. Also, the Living Will relieves the dying patient of making hard choices at the time when he or she no longer has the strength to consider alternate forms of care. The most obvious disadvantage of the Living Will is that one cannot possibly foresee the specific type illness or pain that might enter into one's life during the terminal stages. Finally, in a time in history when euthanasia becomes more and more talked about the suggested, we must be very cautious about the atmosphere that is created when we talk about a Living Will. We have copies of a Catholic Living Will and designation of Health Care Surrogate in the back of church.
Vial of Life
Vial of Life is a small cylindrical container in which vital information is stored for use in an emergency. The vial is attached to the top shelf of the refrigerator and a marker is placed on the door of the refrigerator and also on the front door jam. When the paramedics arrive, the marker is visible to them, and they know that needed information is in the refrigerator. We all know that in times of emergency, it is difficult to remember much of anything and so the vials are very helpful. It is also a good idea to place a Living Will in the vial.