EXTRAMARITAL SEX

An extramarital affair occurs for various reasons like: extensive physical or emotional absence by one spouse, lack of communication, the attractiveness of an extramarital fling that offers much pleasure and asks for no responsibility.

An extramarital affair usually inflicts great pain on a marriage and the family, especially if the innocent spouse believes that the marriage is doing okay and believes that one's spouse would never "step out" on him/her. An extramarital affair can inflict intense pain not only on the spouse who experiences the pain of betrayal, but also on the family unit which may be shattered by the news. In addition, there is always the chance of picking up a sexually transmitted disease and passing it along to the innocent party. In addition to all of the above, "an affair" can be a source of scandal in a community, especially in a faith community.

Extramarital sex is morally wrong because it is a violation of the marriage covenant. It is a grave sin against the sixth commandment which says, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." Jesus not only upheld the teachings of the sixth commandment but he also added another dimension to it. In Matthew 5, Jesus says: "You have heard that it was said, 'you shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." When we look at others lustfully we reduce their dignity and only see them as "sexual objects" who could be used to satisfy our sexual desires.

When a married spouse commits adultery, he/she will not only need to seek the forgiveness of God, but also the forgiveness of their spouse. Of course, if the innocent spouse does not know about the infidelity (presuming the guilty spouse has already confessed it sacramentally), it may be actually damaging to the relationship for the innocent party to find out. Extreme prudence is needed in this kind of situation. Regarding God's forgiveness we should never doubt it. God's mercy is always bigger than our ability to offend him. In the case of adultery, the big challenge will be for the faithful partner to forgive the unfaithful spouse; and the challenge for the unfaithful spouse may be to accept God's forgiveness, the forgiveness of one's spouse-- if it is offered -- and to forgive one's self. Equally important for both spouses will be exploring the reasons for the adultery, exploring ways to heal the betrayal and discovering ways to bring the marriage relationship back to life again. See my article, " Forgiving Others, Se;f, Church and God" in the Pastoral Issues section.

HOMOSEXUALITY

The term homosexuality is rooted in the Greek word homos, meaning the same, and the Latin word sexus, meaning sex. Thus the term homosexuality literally means same sex. It is used to describe a person who has "a predominant, persistent, and exclusive psychosexual attraction towards members of the same sex. A homosexual person is one who feels sexual desire for and a sexual responsiveness to persons of the same sex and who seeks or would like to seek actual sexual fulfillment of this desire by sexual acts with a person of the same sex" (Encyclopedia of Bioethics). When I use the word homosexual, I am referring to both gay and lesbian persons.

In speaking about the issue of homosexuality, we should keep in mind that homosexuality is not a monolithic term. It ranges from a temporary and minor inclination to a permanent, exclusive, and deeply rooted pattern of homosexual preference. Hence, we can say that some persons are "more" predominantly homosexual than heterosexual. Also, in speaking about the homosexual person, we should be aware of some of the myths and stereotypes often associated with homosexuality. Some of the stereotypes have to do with the dress, the occupation and effeminate looks. While some persons with a homosexual orientation have effeminate looks, most do not. Also there are heterosexual males who look effeminate. There is also the myth that all gay persons are promiscuous. Some are, but so are some heterosexual men and women.

A CONTROVERSIAL, COMPLEX AND PAINFUL HUMAN ISSUE

Homosexuality is a >controversial issue because, on the one hand, we have militant gay activists who want legislation passed that will give homosexual relationships all the same rights as heterosexual relationships, including the right to marry and to adopt children. On the other extreme, we have "gay-bashers" who suffer from homophobia and are only too ready to discriminate in every possible way against homosexual persons. In between, we have many homosexuals who do not espouse the agenda of the militant homosexuals and yet do not want to live their sexual lives in a closet. Also in the middle are heterosexual persons who wish to be sensitive and understanding of the gay world and yet are not ready to accept the total homosexual agenda, especially those parts of their agenda which demand the right to marry and adopt children.

The homosexuality question is complex because of all the things we have already said, but also because neither the medical community or the behavioral sciences have come up with a definitive reason why some men and women have a sexual orientation that is predominantly homosexual. Are homosexuals born that way or do they become homosexual through early experiences and environment? Is it possible for homosexuals to change their orientation? Some, through the help of psychotherapy, have been able to change their orientation. But others cannot alter their condition and have to learn to come to terms with it. This is not easy in a society that is often discriminatory towards a person simply because his/her sexual orientation is homosexual.

The homosexual issue is also very painful. In his book, Embracing the Exile, John Fortunato identifies some of the things that bring pain to the life of the gay person: "The questions of our faith, the seeming irreconcilability of our sexual and spiritual selves. The schizophrenia. The feelings of unworthiness. The guilt. The loneliness. The hiding. The closets. And the sense of being on the fringes, cut off, banished." Many persons with a homosexual orientation feel as if they have to live in two worlds: the so-called "straight" world and the "gay" world. In time such an existence becomes not only psychologically and spiritually distressing, but also physically exhausting. Many of us who are heterosexual in orientation do not know the sexual story of someone with a homosexual orientation. As a result we do not know the goodness, the struggles or the pain of their lives. Until quite recently, I never had a conversation with a gay person. Coming to know some gay persons in a personal way has been a positive, helpful and enriching experience.

The Church's Official Teaching

The Church, in her moral teaching on homosexuality, always makes a distinction between a sexual orientation that is predominantly homosexual and homosexual genital acts. She teaches that a homosexual orientation is not sinful in itself, since it is not freely chosen. But it does teach that a homosexual orientation is essentially "disordered" because when it is acted out, it is always objectively morally wrong. In stating that the inclination towards homosexuality is a "disorder", the Church is not saying that homosexual persons are the only ones with disordered inclinations. We all have disordered inclinations; e.g., the inclination towards racist behavior, the inclination to rashly judge others, etc. Secondly, we need to remember that it is the inclination, and not the person, which is disordered.

Secondly, the Church teaches that genital acts between homosexual persons are always objectively morally wrong because they can never fulfill the procreative dimension of sexual union. "It is within a heterosexual marital relationship that genital sexual activity is morally acceptable. Only within marriage does sexual intercourse fully symbolize the Creator's dual design, as an act of covenant love, with the potential of co-creating new human life. Therefore homosexual genital activity is considered immoral" (U.S. Bishops document on Human Sexuality, p. 55). The Florida Catholic newspaper columnist, Amy Welborn-Vinin, writes: "To put it rather bluntly, the parts (i.e., our genital parts) were made to fit and fit for a purpose...namely, the creation of a family in both the physical and spiritual sense. The purpose of genital sex is to create communion between a man and a woman (more specifically between a husband and a wife) and to procreate new life. Homosexual acts can never fulfill the twofold design of the Creator for genital sex."

Thirdly, the Church strongly condemns all forms of "gay-bashing" and challenges the heterosexual community to face forms of homophobia which may exist in its midst. To once again quote the U.S. Bishops document on Human Sexuality: "We call on all Christians and citizens of good will to confront their own fears about homosexuality and to curb the humor and discrimination that offend homosexual persons. We understand that having a homosexual orientation brings with it enough anxiety, pain and issues related to self-acceptance without society adding additional prejudicial treatment" (p. 55). Hence, homosexual persons are not to be condemned or mistreated because their sexual orientation happens to be homosexual. As followers of Christ, we must love the homosexual person just as we love anyone else. Homosexual persons are our neighbors and we must love them as brothers and sisters in Christ. While strongly condemning all forms of gay-bashing the Church views with concern and opposes the militant push to pass legislation that would equate homosexual relationships with heterosexual unions socially, legally and morally. The Church believes that the passing of such legislation would not serve the overall good of society.

Fourthly, the Church encourages her pastors to offer compassionate pastoral care to homosexual persons, but the care offered must always be based on true Church teaching. "Departure from the Church's teaching or silence about it, in an effort to provide care, is neither caring nor pastoral. Only what is true can ultimately be caring" (Vatican letter on the Pastoral Care of Homosexual Persons, No. 15).

When it comes to relationships, the challenge for the homosexual is somewhat similar to the challenge facing single and vowed religious men and women. All the people in these categories are called to develop holy and wholesome friendships with persons of the opposite and same sex. A key difference for the homosexual person is that marriage is not an option for him or her, whereas, it is an option for single, heterosexual persons and for vowed religious who are able to obtain a dispensation from their vows. Of course, we are speaking here of a state of homosexuality that is irreversible.

During his life on earth Jesus chose the way of the cross. There is no other way for us, his followers. This is as true for the person with a homosexual orientation as it is for the heterosexual. With the help of the Eucharist, daily repentance, the Sacrament of Reconciliation, prayer, the support of faith-filled and caring friends, ideals that seem impossible to the eyes of the world are attainable. As Jesus himself said: "All things are possible to him who believes."

MASTURBATION

We have seen why the Catholic Church teaches that genital sex between unmarried men and women is morally wrong and why it is wrong between members of the same sex. Now we turn to the morality of masturbation which is sometimes called "solitary sex" or "self abuse." The term masturbation comes from two Latin words -- manus and turbatio, which mean hand and agitation or excitement. Masturbation is self-stimulation for the sake of erotic pleasure.

People masturbate for various reasons. Adolescents do it out of curiosity. It is a part of their sexual self-exploration. Adults masturbate as a way to reduce or relieve sexual tension, or tension coming from other areas of their lives, or as a part of a sexual fantasy. They do it for the pleasure it gives. Married adults will often engage in masturbatory activity when they are separated from their spouses, or when there is little sexual activity going on between them. As noted earlier, masturbation is sometimes called "self-abuse." It is especially self-abusive and a hindrance to our psychological and spiritual growth when it is used as a way to escape into our own world of fantasy because we do not want to face the risk of relating to other people. Part of the lure of masturbation is what William Kraft calls "the safe secrecy of fantasy." Kraft writes: "When masturbating one does not have to risk rejection, embarrassment, or failure. Instead of engaging in mature relationships, the individual can create a world of make-believe people where anything is possible and there are no limits" (Whole and Holy Sexuality, p. 104).

Church Teaching

The Catholic Church teaches that masturbation or sexual activity with oneself is always objectively morally wrong because it separates sex from its unitive and procreative dimensions. We saw in PART ONE OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH'S TEACHING ON SEXUAL MORALITY ISSUES earlier that the purpose of genital sex was to express and foster love between a husband and wife (the unitive dimension) and to cooperate with God in creating new life (the procreative dimension). Masturbation, as a form of sexual activity, can achieve neither the unitive nor the procreative dimensions of sex. Even though it cannot be proved that Scripture condemns this sin by name, Church Tradition believes that masturbation is implicitly condemned in the New Testament when the latter speaks of "impurity," "unchasteness" and other vices contrary to chastity. (See the Vatican Document on Sexual Ethics, No. 9). The same Vatican document also recognizes that psychology has helped us to see that while masturbation is always objectively wrong, subjective guilt may be diminished due to the immaturity of adolescence, psychological imbalance or habit (No. 9).

Many writers and counselors today encourage persons struggling with masturbation to look beneath masturbatory activity to see what it might be covering up. William Kraft writes: "To view masturbation as a challenge for spiritual growth, we must listen to and learn from the uncomfortable feelings that often underlie and motivate masturbation. Feelings of disembodiment, fatigue, loneliness, boredom and depression are telling us something about our lives. Instead of silencing their message, we should listen to their invitations to grow holy as well as wholly. We should strive to see the spirit that is hidden behind the mask of masturbation. Rather than remaining only with ourselves, we should listen to the call of the spirit of sex to go beyond ourselves" (quoted in Human Sexuality, Gerald Collins, S.S.).

In the past, many Catholics carried with them excessive guilt and shame due to the messages they received about masturbation as they were growing up. While the Church today continues to teach that masturbation is morally wrong, the main focus is on helping people to reflect on solitary sexual activity, to see what is motivating it, and to see masturbation in the context of sexual integration and how it might be hindering our psychological and spiritual growth

PORNOGRAPHY

"Human love is the theme which has inspired the world's greatest literature, painting, sculpture, music, drama and dance. Some of the best productions of the newer art forms, cinema and television have been devoted to this endlessly creative theme. Love has brought great beauty into human experience. Humanity is impoverished when this beauty is brutalized. Pornography is a form of brutalizing of sex, portraying it as separated from love, from human nobility and dignity" (Irish Bishops Pastoral, Love is for Life, p. 33).

Pornography refers to graphic media, especially books and movies, whose primary goal is to stimulate us genitally. Today pornography, which includes the "Sexploitation" of children, is a multi- billion dollar industry. It is sad to see ordinary newspapers and magazines compete with one another in the race for increased sales and profits by moving closer and closer to the borderline of pornography.

Pornography is morally wrong because it views the human person (usually women, but sometimes men and children) as merely sex objects. "Never in pornographic material, and all too rarely in modern advertising, are women represented as persons to whom men might look for intelligent conversation or interesting ideas or equal companionship. For the pornographer, and all too often for the advertiser, women are assumed to be of interest to males only as desirable sexual bodies, to be seized and possessed for male sexual pleasure. Pornography is morally wrong because it places sex in a context of lovelessness, of exploitation, of taking without giving, of pleasure without commitment" (Love is for Life, p. 35).

Recently, I was viewing a TV program during which two young women (who had appeared in Playboy Magazine centerfolds) were asked: "When did you first have a desire to appear in the magazine's centerfold pages?" Both responded that the desire grew in them when they read their fathers' Playboy Magazine which they (the fathers') thought they had hidden safely away. Some men, who are unable to complete sexual intercourse with their wives without fantasizing about another woman, report that they were exposed to pornographic literature in their youth. Can we assume that such exposure inflicted on them a sexual injury which is now having a very destructive effect on their adult sexual and marital life?

When we purchase pornographic videos and magazines, we are literally supporting, with our hard-earned money, an industry whose sole aim is to become rich by exploiting and degrading some members of our human family by viewing them as sex objects. By reading and viewing pornographic materials, we are damaging our God-given potential for seeing other persons with the respect and reverence with which God sees them.

MAGISTERIAL TEACHING AND SUBJECTIVE RESPONSIBILITY

The Church's bishops, in union with the Pope, are entrusted with the mission of teaching the faith that is to be believed and put into practice. Within this context of her role as moral teacher, our bishops help us to understand what are appropriate and inappropriate responses to the unconditional love of God and to the teachings of Christ.

But, the Church also recognizes that if some of her people act in ways contrary to her teaching, that person may not always be, subjectively speaking, guilty of wrong-doing. Only God, who sees the hearts of individuals, can make that kind of judgment. The U.S. Bishops document on Human Sexuality states: "The Church has consistently taught that a person of sincere conscience may have perceived and acted on a moral situation in a manner inconsistent with the teaching of the Church. Still, provided he or she did so with no intentional desire or malice to do wrong, the Christian tradition has recognized mitigated subjective culpability for a decision that objectively is wrong and ought not to have been made. Subjective culpability is determined by how diligently one strives to form correctly his or her conscience and how sincerely one follows that conscience" (pp. 24-25). The Church, like a caring mother, must be always faithful in proclaiming objective moral values and norms. She must strongly encourage and help her people to see the wisdom of her value system, and live their lives according to it. At the same time, she must act as a compassionate pastor to those who fail to understand, who disagree with her or make sincere mistakes. Ultimately, each person must be responsible for his/her decisions. "With all the input and support possible, both from individuals and communities, one must face the future based on decisions made before God in the recesses of one's own heart" (U.S. Bishops document on Human Sexuality, p. 26).

© by Fr. Eamon Tobin email: tobin2@bellsouth.net .