From the time we get up in the morning until we go to bed at night we make many decisions. It has been said that we are the sum total of our decisions. When we make a decision, we are writing another line in the script of our lives. Daily we make all kinds of decisions that impact our health, our relationships (with others and self), our character and so on. Daily we make decisions how we use our time, treasure and talent. Some decisions in our lives can have some very long-term effects on our lives, e.g., choosing the person we will or will not marry, our choice of career, a medical choice. Other choices can be very traumatic and difficult, e.g., a pregnant woman discovers that the child she is carrying has some serious physical or mental defect. Should she carry the preborn child to full term or terminate the pregnancy? Should a woman who has had a very difficult pregnancy be open to having another child? Should one stay in a marriage that is loveless and/or abusive? The decision to place a loved one in a long-term nursing facility is often very heart wrenching. The decision to withdraw life-support systems from a family member who has no hope of recovering is also very difficult. We might say that nothing impacts our lives more than the decisions that we make everyday, especially the difficult ones and the ones with far-reaching effects.
When it comes to the difficult decisions in our lives most of us would like to be able to pick up the phone and dial God so that we could ask him what choice we should make in this particular situation. Often we assume that what we want or what God might want for us is in conflict. That is not necessarily true. We can always assume that God only wants our happiness and best welfare. In John 10:10, Jesus tells us he come so that we might have life in its full abundance. Spiritual directors like to point out that what we most deeply desire in our hearts is also what God wants for us. The difficulty is getting at what we most deeply desire - a whole other topic.
Some Suggestions for Difficult Decisions
The first suggestion is to pray for guidance and openness to whatever God may ask of us. In some situations this will be very hard because our minds and hearts may be set on a particular direction. For example, if a married man falls in love with a woman other than his wife, he will, most likely, find it very hard to hear God call him back to his wife. Because I like Ascension parish very much, I would find it hard to hear God call me to another place. Our attachment to a particular place or relationship or job would usually make it very hard for us to have what St. Ignatius calls "interior freedom" when it comes to discernment or decisions. In other words, how free are we to go in whatever direction God may point us? Probably not very free if our minds and hearts are set on going in one particular direction. Of course, the direction we have in mind may be the direction that God also wants for us. So, as we face some difficult decision it is very important that we not only pray for guidance and openness but also for inner freedom.
A second suggestion is to take a piece of paper and jot down the pros and cons of particular options available to us. When I was invited to consider coming to Ascension parish, I was quite happy where I was and had no desire to leave my previous parish. But I knew that I needed to pray about the decision. So one of the steps that I took was the one of naming the pros and cons of why I did and did not want to come to Ascension. After I was finished this step I quickly realized that all my reasons for wanting to stay where I was were somewhat selfish. So after praying a little more, I decided to allow my name to be considered. Needless to say, I am glad that I did. If I had refused to let my name be considered, my life today would be quite different - even if I do not know how. In drawing up our list of pros and cons, it might be a good idea to enlist the help of others. Sometimes we may be blind to aspects of the decision facing us that others may see quite clearly.
A third suggestion is to take time to pray with our list of pros and cons. As we sit with each side of an issue we can check how we feel. We may want to sit with one side of the issue for a few days. Do we feel peaceful or do we feel a lack of peace? This step demands a lot of honesty, especially when we have a strong attachment to one particular option. As we struggle with a particular decision, it is helpful for us to distinguish how we feel during prayer as opposed to how we feel outside of prayer. Sometimes the doubt and confusion that we feel occurs outside of prayer. We would do well to trust more what we think and feel while we are in prayer and most open to hearing God's voice.
A fourth suggestion is to discuss the decision with others. We could talk to friends who know us well and are willing to tell us what they truly think, and not what they think we want to hear. We may want to speak with a counselor. What is really important is to talk and listen to someone who will be objective with us.
A fifth suggestion is to go through three imaginative exercises recommended by St. Ignatius of Loyola (founder of the Jesuits).
The latter two suggestions are pretty heavy ones, but perhaps they might waken us up to the seriousness of our decisions.
Decision Time
Finally, we have to make a decision of some kind. It may be to take more time with the issue, placing it on hold for some time, or we may decide to go in one particular direction even though we are not at all sure that we are making a right decision. St. Ignatius counsels us not to decide while in doubt. (The assumption here is that we are in a position to wait). The next step is to act on our decision. This can be a difficult step.
Acting on What We Decide
Sometimes we can be quite clear on what we need to do, but we may find it very hard to do it. For example, a family may decide that they need to confront a member of their family about some issue like the abuse of alcohol, but they may find it extremely difficult to do what they know in their hearts is the right thing. A man (or woman) may know that the right thing to do is to break off an extra-marital affair and return to his/her spouse but they may have a very hard time actually doing what they know in their in hearts is the right thing. Here prayer is crucial. We should pray for the grace to do what we believe is the right thing.
As we carry out our decision, we may wonder some months later if we made the right choice. One way to check is to ask ourselves if our choice brings us peace and is life-giving for us. Of course there may be days when we experience a lot of conflict and struggle and wonder if we really made the right decision. Such difficult days and feelings are normal and do not necessarily prove that we made a wrong decision. As I just said, if our decision gives us a sense of peace and life, then we have two good reasons to believe that we acted in accord with God's will. On the other hand, if our chosen direction gives us little or no peace and drains the life out of us, then there is reason to believe that we may not have made the right decision. This raises the difficult question: what if we discover or believe strongly that we made the wrong decision? If we prayed about our decision and made an honest effort to seek God's will, we can be very sure that God is very pleased with us. As in everything else we do, the art of good decision-making is developed by trial and error and, of course, with the grace of God. Also, it has been well said that there is only one real mistake and this is the one we keep repeating and learn nothing from. The Lord doesn't ask that we always be right; he only asks that we try our best and act out of the best understanding we have of a particular situation. Also, our God is so creative that he is always 'writing straight with crooked lines.' Some of our best lessons are learned in the detours of life's journey.
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