In today’s Gospel, Jesus speaks to us about what is called the Great Commandment to love God and neighbor as we love ourselves. All three are tied together—God, neighbor and self. Most, if not all, psychologist’s today tell us that it is very difficult, if not impossible, for us to have an authentic love of God and neighbor if we do not have a true and healthy love of self. So in a sense, the "as we love ourselves" part of the Great Commandment is the most important part. Hence, I will devote my whole column this week to love of self.
Secondly, as we grew into adulthood, we may have made some poor choices that reinforced the bad feelings we had about ourselves. Perhaps we got into relationships where we were constantly criticized and put down, leaving our self-image in shambles.
Thirdly, because we were "should-ed" a lot in childhood (you should be this and that), we may have a strong perfectionist streak inside us constantly reminding us how we were failing to measure up to some unrealistic standards. For me, one unhealthy ‘should’ to try to live by would be: "good priests should be available 24-hours a day." For those of you who are parents a should might be: "good parents are always available to their kids."
A fourth obstacle to a healthy self-image can be a certain tendency in us to feel constantly guilty about stuff. For example, we may feel guilty about relaxing and caring for ourselves. It is difficult to feel good about oneself if we often feel guilty about what we said and did or about what we failed to say or do.
A fifth obstacle to true self-love may be a false and misguided teaching that led us to believe that any kind of self-care is selfish and wrong. We may have believed that we didn’t deserve to do nice things for ourselves.
True self-love cannot be built around our possessions or achievements, but rooted in the firm belief that God created us very good and continues to love us even when we mess up very badly. Our performance or good deeds can, in no way, diminish God’s love for us. Our bad deeds may distance us from God, but they can never distance God from us. St. Paul reminds us that nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:35-39). From God’s viewpoint, the question is never: does he love us unconditionally? Rather, the question is: what extent do we believe in the incredible love that God has for us? "Most likely, we believe it in our heads, but do we believe it in our hearts?" In the following two verses from Scripture we can listen to God and Jesus tell us of their love: In Isaiah 43:4, God says:
Just take a moment to ponder the latter verse by Jesus. He tells us that he loves us just as much as the Father loves him. How truly awesome and wonderful! But, do we believe it? Can we internalize the above verses? If not, what are the obstacles and what can be done to remove them?
How easy it is for us to accept and internalize negative words that people speak to us and how hard can it be for us to accept and internalize the loving and affirming words that God and others speak to us. Each of us would do well to frequently take a moment to close our eyes and image Jesus speak the above words to us. "You are precious in my eyes and I love you. As the Father has loved me, so I love you." Then when you’re ready, you might respond, "Yes Lord, I believe" or "yes Lord, I want very much to believe these words in the core of my being. I want them to be words that form my sense of who I am."
Second Step: Learn to share all of you with at least one other person.
In his book, Will the Real Me Please Stand Up, Jesuit priest John Powell writes: "People are mistake makers and I am one of them. That is one reason there are erasers on pencils. Healthy and growing persons share not only the light and the bright, but also the weak and the wounded side of themselves." Are there things that we have said or done that we would not dream of sharing with others? If so, we need to know that such secrecy hinders our growth as persons. Sharing our dark secrets with another and feeling accepted can be a very powerful healing experience. There is nothing from our past or present that we withhold from each other. It is a very affirming experience to be with people who know everything about us and still love us. Today, more and more men and women are involved in some kind of support group in which they can share much, if not all of who they are, "the good the bad and the ugly".
Third Step: Learn to forgive yourself.
Over the years, I have found this to be a huge issue for some people. We may believe God and others have forgiven us, but we may be unable to forgive ourselves. What is going on here? My guess is that our perfectionist self or "inner critic" is holding us in bondage. We may need the guidance and prayer of a spiritual counselor to help us break loose from this bondage. If this is an issue for you and you think I can help, I hope you would not hesitate to call me. Also, see my book, How to Forgive Yourself and Others, pgs. 43-49, which deals with forgiving self. Or see my article on our website titled: How to Forgive Others, God, Church and Self.
Fourth Step: Make a list of the things you like about yourself.
This suggestion is offered to us by Fr. Powell in his book, Christian Vision. Fr. Powell keeps his list in his drawer and takes it out when he is having a bad day or when he thinks he has nothing to offer anyone. In making the list, we shouldn’t think that we must have a particular quality in its perfected state. For example, I might write on my list: good listener, understanding, compassionate realizing that sometimes I am not a good listener or very understanding or compassionate. In the same drawer we might keep affirming notes and cards that people have written to us. Isn’t it amazing how we can let a negative remark or note linger on within us and, at the same time, toss aside and quickly forget an affirming word spoken or written to us? It is very important that we take time to receive with gratitude the affirmation and compliments we receive from others. God’s love and affirmation often comes to us through others. A ninth beatitude could be: "Blessed are those who affirm others." And perhaps we might add to that: "And blessed are those who receive into their hearts the affirmation offered to them by others."
Fifth Step: Give your creative side some outlet.
Because we are made in the image and likeness of God, we are all creators. Some examples of creative expressions are: cooking, painting, sewing, sculpturing, creative memories, woodwork, writing, music, acting, singing, dancing, gardening, etc., etc. While it certainly helps if others appreciate what we create, what is really important is that we honor ourselves by giving expression to our creative side.
Sixth Step: Show concern and care for others.
When we genuinely express concern for others, doing what we can to help them, we invariably feel good about ourselves. Such concern will help to free us from self-preoccupation.
Seventh Step: Take time to nurture and care for one’s body, mind, soul and emotions.
We care for our bodies through exercise, watching what we eat and drink, getting sufficient sleep, having a massage, etc. We care for our soul by taking time to connect with God and a soul-friend, listening to good music, attending retreats, etc. We care for our minds by reading good books, watching good TV programs, attending stimulating lectures and seminars, etc. We care for our emotions by having people in our lives with whom we can share our feelings without judging some to be good or bad. Even though we have heard it many times that feelings are neither right nor wrong, we all too often judge some feelings, like anger, to be wrong and sinful. A big piece of coming to emotional maturity is learning to be at home with all of our feelings—both the comfortable (joy, peace, happiness) and the uncomfortable (anger, fear, frustration). Paying attention to our feelings can help us to grow in many ways. For example, the feeling of jealousy is a signal that we are out of touch with our own gifts and blessings.
A balanced or well-rounded person takes time to care for his/her body, mind, soul and emotions. Neglecting one of these aspects of our lives will have a negative impact on our whole life. Healthy people take time to come aside from all the doing so that they can relax, "chill out" and reflect on how they feel about their lives. A long time ago, Socrates said, "the unreflected life is not worth living." All of us should be adamant about building into our lives pockets of silence and quiet times to reflect on the flow of our life’s journey. Without such quiet times, there is a great chance that we will suffer "burnout" and that we will get into a very unhealthy and unbalanced way of living.
You may have seen the sign, "Be patient with me. God is not finished with me yet." Jesus wants us to be very patient with ourselves as we strive with his help, and the help of others, to become fully alive and fully mature persons who genuinely love him and others as we love ourselves. Perhaps this week we can begin to take small steps toward developing a genuine love for who we are.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this important issue. Write or email me and let me know what you think hinders and helps us to have a positive sense of ourselves.