On page 20, the author describes what he experienced the morning he found himself in the trauma of a deep depression:
It was Tuesday, November 6, 1990. 1 awoke from a troubled sleep to find myself enveloped in a thick mental fog that no light penetrated and no power of my own diffused. The darkest journey of my life was under way, for on that morning, I began to grope my way through a tunnel of inner darkness, where moving forward only meant more darkness. Before my journey's end, I despaired of ever seeing light again.
The darkness was an episode of major depression, and it was to pull me apart and nearly kill me. For the next ten months. I would stagger through life in a state of emotional disequiibrium, uncertain of myself, feeling powerless and hopeless, struggling desperately to find enough meaning to validate my existence. My inner battle. witnessed by only a select few, would hold an uncertain outcome to the very end.
Like a physician reading his own electrocardiogram during a heart attack, I knew what was happening to me that gray November morning. I knew that depression had sunk its teeth into me and was shaking me like a rag doll I also knew that it would not let go easily.
I thought I was experiencing a surprise attack by an old enemy. What I did not know then was that it had launched a full-scale war upon me, and not to win was to die.
Two Myths Surrounding Depression
Myth One: A real man or a strong woman doesn't get depressed, or least not for long. This myth is especially damaging to the person struggling with depression. The fact is, depression is not the manifestation of a character defect or a human weakness. A person struggling with depression is not a wimp or an emotional weakling.
Myth Two: A strong faith wards off depression. This myth, enshrined in religious overtones, is especially debilitating. It's one thing to struggle with depression as a character weakness, like the first myth suggests, but admitting to a lack of faith reaches deep into a person's faith core. Guilt, fear, and hopelessness result.
Depression is an illness
Depression is an illness that respects neither believers nor nonbelievers. It is an "equal-opportunity" affliction; saint or sinner, you can become depressed to the point of preferring death to another day of darkness.
Elijah, a great holy man of God and one of the foremost saints of the Old Testament, knew depression. In the Book of Kings, we are given a powerful description of his depressed state: fatigue, disturbed sleep, poor appetite patterns and a desire for death.
Elijah went a day's journey into the desert, where he came to a broom tree and sat beneath it. He prayed for death:
"Enough, 0 Lord! Take my life for I am no better than my fathers."
In Catholic tradition, the lives of the saints are replete with examples of holy men and women who struggled heroically against depression: Elizabeth Ann Seton, Catherine of Sienna, Ignatius of Loyola, and Therese of Lisieux, to name just a few.
As she lay dying from tuberculosis, suffering excruciating mental and physical pain, Saint Therese of Lisieux came to understand how those who experience chronic suffering might want to commit suicide and end it all.
Depression makes it difficult to focus on God - or anything. Depression saps energy. makes one feel worthless, and immobilizes every area of life. From the midst of depression, nothing seems to function properly, including faith -- and that adds further pain. Persons struggling with depression don't need to hear, "This must be God's will for you" or "Hang in there; suffering builds character." Persons in the dark grip of depression don't need simplistic solutions to their pains They need patience, compassion and professional help -- and the sooner the better.
What Triggers Depression
Depression has may causes. Upon reflection, Andrew Paige saw "three powerful forces conveyed to form a trigger mechanism that deteriorated the major depression 1 experienced." He adds. "These three factors impact everyone to a greater or lesser degree."
Trigger #1: Genetics
it isn't uncommon for a person to be born with a genetic predisposition to this particular illness. Studies show that the first degree biological relatives of patients who are depressed are more than twice as likely to experience a depressive episode than those without a history of depression.
If a family member has been treated for depression, try to find out what form the treatment took. Research shows that what works well for one depressed person often works equally well for another depressed person in the same family, especially if an anti-depressant medication has been used.
Often, however, more than mere genetics is at work when depression strikes.
Trigger #2: Stress
We all live with stress, and for the most part, we cope. But when stress reaches a high level, it is transformed into distress -- a potent force that batters and bruises us emotionally and leads us into psychological and physical burnout. Sadly, few are aware of this at the time.
In contemporary psychological literature, stress is often referred to as the "hurry sickness'' Shortly before I experienced a second episode of depression, I was caught by the "hurry sickness" and was oblivious to what was happening. I would hurry from one event to another, one town to another, one person to another. I would counsel, celebrate liturgy, write, lecture. Certainly, I was doing worthwhile things, but I was doing too much -- far too much -- while allowing no time for my own renewal.
When people come to me for counseling and complain about being overstressed, my assessment of their condition includes questions like the following:
Stress is exacerbated by such factors as low self esteem, money or work concerns, relationship problems, psychological conflicts and major life changes.
Trigger #3: Grief
The final component of this dark, unholy trinity is the universal human experience of grief. When we lose something or someone we value, we grieve. A child cries for weeks when his or her dog dies; when a home is destroyed, a family is plunged into profound grieving. Retirement, the end of one's working years, can make a person no longer want to live. That's grief-- a normal and healthy reaction to loss. Loss, grief and loneliness are all interconnected and make the pain even more unbearable at times.
In the fall of 1990, I experienced two major individual losses that converged to create a high-grief reaction. They would bring me to the final threshold of major depression.
First, I lost my job. I might have coped with the loss of my job had Sandy not died. Sandy and I were like sister and brother. We grew up together and became best friends and soul mates. When she died in a tragic accident in late October 1990, something inside of me died too.
Other Symptoms of Depression
Paige writes rumination is characteristic of depressed persons. They obsessively think and rethink the same thoughts over and over again. Through the rumination process, the depressed person begins to believe things about his or her life that are not true. Depression convinces a person that he or she is a total failure, worthless and unlovable. Consequently, the depressed person questions the very core purpose of life and the value of remaining alive.
Self-esteem is a major cause of depression, and indeed, this was the case with me. Shortly after the onset of major depression, I began to believe in my own worthlessness: "I am a complete, abject failure. I've hurt others; I've failed those who depended on me."
Ruminating is only one major symptom of depression. Others include sleeping disorders, decreased or increased appetite with accompanying weight changes, poor concentration skills, inability to find pleasure or satisfaction in ordinary activities, persistent sadness, and recurring thoughts of death.
When Faith Falters
In chapter 4, the author shares the impact depression had on his faith and spiritual life. The first casualty that resulted from the onslaught of major depression was my faith. It faltered For a time, I thought it might fail altogether. I was surprised by this, yet I don't know why.
Depression and Prayer
Prayer quickly becomes an exercise in futility. You feel like you're talking to yourself and no one's interested - not even God because, after all, God has vanished. The feelings of disconnection, isolation, and loneliness, common to depression, are intensified when you fee! God is absent. Your soul aches as much as your mind and spirit.
When my faith faltered, I made a major mistake in not seeking a competent spiritual director. Ironically, I was a virtual director for myself guiding countless others through the same thing. Yet, when it came to my own journey, the chains of darkness would not let me reach out for help. Instead, I talked to myself, telling myself all the things I tell others in crisis, but it didn't work. The words sounded empty and hollow ~- a weak spiritual pep talk and nothing more.
The Power of Touch
Because I had no spiritual director, I was also deprived of the opportunity to have someone pray with and over mc. Many times in ministering to depressed persons, I found the laying on of hands, in or out of the context of the sacrament of the anointing of the sick, especially effective in alleviating some of the inner pain.
One thing did provide me spiritual solace: the Psalms. These ancient song lyrics, like some of today's song lyrics, captured much of what I was feeling inside.
Strength in Weakness
Despite my own spiritual desert, my lifeless soul, and my savage darkness, spiritual power continued to flow out of me through the ordinary things that priests do.
During the heart of my depression, I preached a homily on hope - undoubtedly talking to myself. No one needed to hear about hope more than me! A week later, however, an elderly man told me that the homily had saved his life.
Although the dark night rages through the chambers of the soul, God's work continues. While we are at our weakest, our power to channel grace to others is not diminished. We often believe that we have to be at our best to effectively serve God. Yet, God uses us -- and uses us well -- even during the worst times of our lives, when we can't even minister to ourselves, much less others.
God's Presence in the Absence
At the end of ten months, when the depression had finally lifted, I discovered that God had been with me all along. The silence of God did not mean absence. Rather, the silence was only my own space; God remained everything God is: love.
The Spiritual Consequences of Depression
As a whole-body illness, there are spiritual consequences to depression. In some ways, the spiritual aspects are the most dangerous to our well-being. When we lose contact with God, we feel truly alone, and despair can become more inviting, death, more appealing.
Yet, in that desolate space, in that desert, God roams. Our foremothers and forefathers in faith have taught us this. There, where we are stripped naked -- even of hope --God's grace abounds. Some power greater than ourselves waits there and enables us to hang on, if only by our fingertips.
God's grace proved sufficient in the face of my own insufficiency. I lost my ability to find God, but God walked with me all along the way. Yes, my faith faltered, but God's saving grace, as a result, had a lot of room in which to work.
Asking for Help
In part two of his book Andrew Paige writes about his struggle to seek help and healing.
The author was very resistant to reaching out for help. He writes: "My decision to fight a major depression on my own was not only proving catastrophic, it was unbelievably stupid! I would never have allowed a severely depressed person I was counseling to do the same thing. It was a dead-end approach to healing; it simply would not work.
Finally, Andrew got the courage to pick up the phone and call his doctor.
Individuals struggling with depression can receive effective help from a combination of resources:
psychiatrists (deals with drug therapy), psychologists use "talk-therapy," spiritual counseling, exercise, nutrition, support from family and friends. Andrew Paige notes that there is still a big stigma and resistance to seeking out the help of a psychiatrist. Most people tend to think that if they need to visit with a psychiatrist, they must be "crazy." We may easily forget that our depression may be caused by a chemical imbalance in our brain chemistry.
People with a chemical imbalance are usually totally in touch with realty but have trouble functioning well. "With the right medication, this condition can be connected or controlled." The author writes: "If there is a chemical imbalance or some physical cause of a particular mental illness, no amount of psychotherapy is going to help the condition. One of my parishioners received nearly a solid year of psychotherapy with a psychologist, including group therapy, but only felt worse at the end of the year. She saw a psychiatrist who prescribed a drug which he thought would help, and within a month, she was functioning superbly and making plans for a new career.
A big challenge for the psychiatrist is deciding, with the cooperation of his patient, what is the most effective medication. It usually takes four to six weeks to test the effectiveness of a medication. Often, a patient may have to experiment with several different medications before he/she finds one that works well. This process demands great patience on the part of the patient or client. Andrew Paige writes with antidepressants, there are two problems: finding the right medication is only the first problem. Determining the right dosage can be equally perplexing. A thoroughly competent doctor may struggle six months to find the exact dosage for his or her patient- and all the while, the patient continues to suffer, even deteriorate.
When Andrew started a new medication, he prayed that God would use it for healing.
Searching for the right medication is not the only challenge.
Searching for the right psychologist to talk through one's depression can also be a big challenge. Even though Andrew had been referred to a highly accredited psychologist, he realized after two or three sessions that the psychologist wasn't going to be right for him. He and his psychologist just didn't click. So, Andrew sought out a new therapist and the "floodgates opened." He began to pour out feelings that he didn't think existed. During a three-month period of intense therapy, Andrew discovered that the following things were important to his healing process:
I) He needed to make his recovery from depression the number one priority in his life. He needed to convince himself that by doing so he was not being selfish. Before he could minister to others, he had to first minister to himself.
2) He needed to let others help him in his healing process. Healing does not take place in isolation from the support of other caring people.
3) He needed to give himself permission to grieve fully from previous losses in his life. especially the losses of his mother, his sister and his friend. Sandy.
4) He needed to give himself permission to feel and express his anger in appropriate ways. Repressed anger is one of the major causes of depression. Andrew writes: "My unresolved grief and anger have something significant to do with my depression, even if there are other contributing biological and genetic factors at work. The ongoing depression tells me that both the grief and the anger have burrowed deep inside of me to create a world of their own - a world of darkness and despair.
5) He needed to monitor carefully his self-talk Negative and highly critical self-talk and self-evaluations only freed depression. He needed to stop beating up on himself for real or imaginary failures.
6) He needed to realize that his self-worth was not dependent on his work His self-worth is primarily connected to the fact that he is an unconditionally loved child of God. As a result, he should stop seeking to validate his self-worth Through workaholic tendencies. He needed to stop driving himself and take time to rest and relax. Spending all his waking hours serving others and neglecting his own needs was not healthy to body, mind and spirit.
7) He needed to get rid of any Messiah Complex that he may have had. He could love people, but God alone could save them.
8) He needed to stop seeking to have control over things that he had really had no control over. He needed to learn more and more to turn persons and situations over to God and not try to manipulate them according to his own blueprint.
9) He needed more companions ship and less isolation. By seeking to develop and expand friendships he would fight his "lone ranger" tendencies.
Andrew's therapist also urged him to exercise, develop good eating habits and to meditate all of which helped him to facilitate his healing process. Finally, he started to give time to an old hobby that he had neglected for some time playing the piano. Andrew found that playing the piano relaxed, soothed and ministered to his mind and spirit.
Has Andrew Been Healed of his Depression?
He responds to the above question in this way:
Healed is not the word I would use, because my particular form of depression is connected to some chemical imbalance in my brain. It can surface again, especially if I fail to remain on the medication. Drawing on all the resources available to me, I am able to control it and control it well.
Will I become depressed in a major way again?
The possibility is always there. Relapses of depression are not uncommon. If I1 do become victim to the illness again, I will fight back with the same weapons I've found effective in the past: medication, psychotherapy, relaxation techniques, prayer, exercise -- anything and everything that works. I did not rid myself of major depression by a single method. The depression was powerful, and it took a constellation of allies to drive it away. If I need to, I will use them all again...- sooner!