The loss of a spouse or a friend is usually a very traumatic experience in one's life. It happens to married people when a spouse dies or divorces. It happens to single people (and this includes the unmarried, separated/divorced persons, widows/widowers, priests/sisters) when they lose a dear friend. This type of loss happens to young people when a teenage friend is killed in a car accident. It happens to children who move and miss their friends or lose a parent. It happens to spouses when a loved one begins to suffer from Alzheimer's or some other debilitating illness, which leaves them feeling that a family member or friend is no longer the person they knew a few year ago. Loss of a significant other is a widespread phenomenon experienced by millions of Americans every day. Either we are experiencing loss ourselves or we know someone in our family, condo, street or at work who is dealing with loss and separation.
FACING LOSS
There is no easy or quick way to deal with or heal one's loss. The first step is simple to admit that there is a loss in one's life. While many people readily admit this, many others are in denial. For many people, especially men, it is not easy to say or admit, "I am experiencing loss."
A second step is to honor our loss by taking time to grieve it. We may admit we are experiencing loss and choose to do little or nothing about it or we can choose to face our loss. My guess is that most of us choose, more or less, to ignore our losses. We usually do this by staying "very busy." In the last parish I was in we had a sister who was a trained grief counselor and she was very good at it. Yet, she did not have a large number of people in her grief support group. I remember asking her, "Carleen, why do you think more people do not come to your group?" Her response was, "Every time a person chooses to attend a grief group, it is a decision to face pain and most people in our culture do not want to do that." I found that response very interesting and my guess is that it is right on target. Most of us simply do not want emotional pain. I can appreciate that. Facing emotional pain is not a fun thing, but hopefully it is a healing thing. Remember that one of the Beatitudes states: Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Grief is God's way to bring healing to a heart experiencing loss.
HOW DO WE FACE OUR GRIEF?
We face and honor our losses by deciding to "sit with our pain" - at least periodically. While our loss may be always in the background, we may choose to rarely "sit with it." Instead, we seek to push it aside by doing other things. How do we "sit with" our grief? We do it by taking time to be with the feelings we are experiencing: our sadness, our sense of loss, anger, which could be with God, or at the one who left us, a doctor, church, family and friends who don't seem to care. We may be angry with ourselves. We may feel guilt (which could be appropriate or inappropriate), jealousy and envy towards others who have what we have lost. We may feel a terrible emptiness in our homes, a deadening silence. In our homes we have many reminders of the one who is no longer there.
Having taken time to "be with our pain" what do we do then? Frankly, I'm not too sure. But just having the courage to face and name our feelings is a big step-a step many never take. Instead, they just stuff them and bury them which is so unhealthy emotionally, spiritually and even physically. So, first we name our feelings. Usually the next step is to express our feelings in some way. The most common way is simply choosing to share what we are going through with others such as a friend, a group, a priest, a counselor, with someone who will listen and accept our feelings and not burden us with their pain or give us lots of advice. A word of caution when we are the one listening- never say, "I know exactly what you are going through. I have been there." This is not true because you are a different person and your relationship with the lost loved one was different and those differences make each loss different and unique. The circumstances may be exactly the same, namely, you also lost a child, or a spouse, your spouse left you for someone else, etc. but the similarity ends there. Rather than saying, "I know exactly how you feel," we are better off simply saying, "it must be tough, how are you feeling?" This gives the person a chance to tell you how he/she feels.
We can also express our feelings and thoughts in a journal. I have used a journal periodically for years. I find it an excellent way to name and express what is going on inside of me. I write to God and Jesus in my journal. Or I just take time to name and give express to thoughts of feelings going on within me. Journaling is the best form of self-therapy that I know. But I also realize journaling is not for everyone or even for most people. Others may be more at home expressing their feelings in some other art form.
Talking to another person is also usually helpful. Often as I listen, I say to people, "It is okay for you to feel what you are feeling. Your feelings are okay and normal." Just a simple statement like that brings relief. People say, "thanks for saying that. I thought I was losing my mind." In grief work and in every area of our lives we must remember that no feeling is wrong or immoral. Some feelings are simply uncomfortable (like hate, anger, jealousy) but they are never wrong. Crying is usually not comfortable, especially in public. But it is okay. In fact, it is good.
SOME OTHER MISCELLANEOUS THOUGHTS
1. Everyone deals with grief differently. Some people are drawn to groups and find it easy to share with others. Other people are very private and much less comfortable sharing. Some people seem to move through the grief process rather quickly, other people need years. The average period is three years. Some people never get over a loss. They may learn to cope with it reasonably well, but the loss is always there. This is especially true when the loss is a child or a spouse or friend with which we had a very close relationship. Some people seems to have a greater ability to attend to their losses than others. Perhaps they are more comfortable with their feelings. They may have a higher threshold for emotional pain.
2. Time and work usually bring some healing but time alone usually does not bring healing. It just gives us some distance from the loss. All grief counselors emphasize that grief work is work.
3. Balance: When it comes to grief work we can be in our grief constantly or hardly ever. When the grief is very traumatic, it will be hard to step out of it. It will be there at every moment. But at least we can try to do other things to give our lives some sense of normalcy. On the other extreme we may err by rarely or never attending to our loss.
4. Grieve at your own pace. Everyone is different. We bring to our loss a unique history. In the past, we may have ignored losses. We may be someone who finds it very hard to feel our feelings. Each of us is different for a hundred reasons. Telling others it is time to move on is nearly always insensitive and unhelpful. People move on at their own pace.
5. Reading: Most people experiencing a loss find it very hard to read, focusing is very difficult. Yet, when one is ready, reading about grief, can be helpful. It can educate us about the nature of loss and help us to understand better what we might be going through. Today, there are books to fit most situations, loss of a spouse (death or divorce), loss of a parent, a child, a sibling, suicide, etc. A general book on loss is Life After Loss. It is excellent and filled with lots of wisdom, good insights and practical suggestions.
6. Exercise and humor can also be helpful. I realize exercise is not everyone's bag. But usually we feel better after working up a bit of a sweat. And even in the midst of pain, we should try not to lose our sense of humor.
7. Become aware of what helps and what doesn't helps.
Pope John Paul on Death.
As you know many people, including many bishops shared remarks and reflections on Pope John Paul II after the news of his death broke. The following is an excerpt from remarks by Diarmuid Martin, Archbishop of Dublin.
Very striking in the thought of Pope John Paul II on the human person are his reflections on death. Death is an essential dimension of being a person. Only yesterday by chance I took up the text of the Lenten retreat that Pope John Paul II had preached to Pope Paul VI and the Roman Curia in 1976. I reread the chapter Mysterium Mortis, the mystery of death.
One can imagine these texts written by Cardinal Karol Wojtyla in 1976 were still present in his mind in these past days. I will read a few short passages, "In the face of death the enigma of human existence reaches its peak." "Man is distressed not only by the thought of pain and of the progressive deterioration of his body but also, and even more, by the fear of an end to himself once and for all." "The inevitability of death is known to all alike." Those of us who observe death "only register the fact of death." None of us had experienced the reality of dying.
"Each man finally dies alone." At that moment the seed of eternity rebels against death. But this same seed of eternity, "also recalls that every man has inherent in him the mystery of a new life which Christ has brought." "That awareness is the distinguishing mark of the Christian who faces death."
And he goes on with these words: "Even though a man does not chose his own death, nonetheless by choosing his own way of life he does, in a way, choose his death too. Thus his death becomes the perfect ratification of his life and of the choice he made." Pope John Paul's slow path to his death is truly a ratification of a life spent in the service of the Lord and of humanity.