DEALING WITH ANGER IN A CONSTRUCTIVE WAY

Wrath and anger are hateful things
yet the sinner hugs them tight . . . .
could anyone nourish anger against another
and expect healing from the Lord?
Could anyone refuse mercy to another
and expect pardon for his own sins?
Sirach 27:30, 28:7

When it comes to the hard work of forgiving life's hurts, one of our biggest challenges may be getting past the anger we may feel around a hurt. Learning to deal with our anger in a constructive way is surely one of the best life skills any of us can develop for ourselves and teach our children.

Before we look at what make us angry and why it is so important for us to deal with it in a constructive way, it might be helpful for us to reflect on the following questions:

  • How did your parents deal with their anger? Did they tend to repress it or express it? If they usually expressed it, how did they express it? In an explosive, frightening kind of way or in a more appropriate way?

  • As a child, was it okay for you to express your anger or was it something you had to keep in tight control?

  • At this time in your life, how do you generally deal with your anger? How easy or hard is it for you to express your anger? In your relationships, is it your tendency to "keep peace at any price" or are you generally able to let someone know that you are upset or angry with them?

  • Do you agree that the appropriate expression of anger can bring about positive results or is anger usually a war-zone for you?

  • How aware are you of the tendency for most of us to repress our anger or minimize it. We may say "I'm concerned" or "a little upset". When in fact, we may be very angry. Psychologists tell us that anger is the emotion we most often feel with sadness coming in as a distant second. This will surprise most of us because we are such experts at repressing our anger.

  • How often do you become angry at yourself? A lot of anger at ourselves is a form of self-hatred, which of course, is very destructive to our self-esteem.

    Most of us received very poor training in dealing with anger in a positive and appropriate way. As a result, we may be afraid of our anger or other peoples anger or we may only be able to express it in a destructive way. As I revise this article, which I first wrote several years ago, I am very aware that there is a lot to understand about this emotion and that there is a lot for me to still learn about it. But hopefully, the following can be a start of a discussion and reflection on the emotion that we most often experience whether we are conscious of it or not.

    What makes us angry?

    It might be an interesting exercise to track our anger for a day or two to see what makes us angry. The following are some common triggers of our anger:

  • Many of us become angry when we do not meet our own expectations or when others do not meet our expectations.

  • If we have a big need to control others or life, we will most likely experience a lot of anger.

  • Long periods of caring for a loved one, our own physical limitations, injuries to self or others, acts of injustice against ourselves or others may make us very angry.

  • It is normal for grieving people to often feel anger with their situation. They may be angry at God, the doctor, church, other family members or just the situation they find themselves in.

  • Psychologists remind us that most of our anger occurs when our need for security, affection and control is threatened. We certainly saw this as we watched people deal with Hurricane Katrina. Also, our anger may be due to the fact that we are working too much, stressed out, not appreciated, tired or powerless etc. What else makes you angry?

    Four reasons why it is important for us to deal with anger in a constructive way.

    Psychologists and spiritual counselors point out that failing to deal with our anger in a constructive way will have dire results on our relational, mental, physical and spiritual lives.

  • Relational: If we are interested in having good and wholesome relationships with others, we must develop the skill and virtue of dealing with our anger in a constructive and appropriate way. So many relationships are wounded or destroyed because one or both parties are unable or unwilling to deal with their anger. In a similar way so many work situations are filled with tension and unhappiness because the leader or workers are unable or unwilling to work through their anger.

  • On a mental level, failure to deal with our anger in a constructive way often leads to depression. A frequently used definition of depression is anger turned inward. Somewhere in the journey of life, we learned that it was not okay to express anger outwardly, but it was okay to express anger inwardly. (Of course, we need to remember that anger is not the only cause of depression).

  • Repressed anger can even impact our physical life. Experts in this area tell us that physical disorders commonly associated with repressed anger are tension headaches, high blood pressure, impotence and frigidity, chronic itching and rheumatoid arthritis. Needless to say, these disorders have other causes, but we can be sure that if we do not express our anger in a healthy way, we will aggravate the above disorders.

  • On a spiritual level, failure to deal with anger may cause our relationship with God to become flat and dull. It is normal for us to feel angry with God just as it is normal for us to feel angry with a friend. But because of our spiritual formation, we may repress our anger at God, judging it disrespectful or sinful. Just as repressed anger with a friend will have a negative impact on the relationship, so will repressed anger with God have a negative impact on our relationship with him.

    Eight Things to Remember When Dealing with Anger

  • When discussing the topic of anger, we should differentiate between "righteous" and "unrighteous" anger. "Righteous anger" is what the prophets in the Old Testament expressed when they saw injustices and false forms of worship in their communities. It was righteous anger that motivated Jesus to throw the sellers out of the Temple for turning his Father's House into a place of business. Jesus was angry at the exorbitant prices the poor were charged for animals used to offer sacrifice. In fact, we might say that our conscience is dormant, when we do not feel a "righteous anger" when confronted with injustices to ourselves or others. We can be grateful for the anger that moves us to redress injustices that occur to us or others. "Righteous anger" moved Martin Luther King to fight racism in this country. "Righteous anger" moved mothers to get legislation passed against drunken drivers. On the other hand, "Unrighteous" anger is getting mad at others for perceived injustices, hurts and rejections. For example, we don't get our way and we become angry and express is in a destructive way.

    As a corollary to the above, we can say that feeling anger and rage and expressing it in an appropriate way can be a positive and Christian thing to do. Sometimes our anger is calling us to right some injustice.

  • Rarely are relationships hurt when anger is expressed in an appropriate way. In fact, when couples, friends and coworkers learn to express their anger in an appropriate way, their relationships and work situations are usually enhanced. On the other hand, when anger is repressed or expressed in a negative way, we can be sure our relationship and work situations will deteriorate.

    As a corollary to this point, we can say that mentally healthy people are not people without anger. Rather, they are people who have learned to deal with their anger in a constructive way. On the other hand, mentally unhealthy people are not people with "too much" anger. Rather, they are people who express their anger in a destructive way.

  • Sometimes the anger we feel is "our problem" and we shouldn't make a big fuss about it. We just need to deal with it and get on with our lives. For example, we may be mad when someone challenges our opinion or viewpoint. We may get "hot under the collar" and want to put down the other person in some way. Instead we should be open and grateful for the other person's input. Of course, such a response demands much maturity and humility.

  • St. Paul tells us: "to be angry but sin not." (Eph 4:6). It is a good and healthy thing to feel our anger and to express it in an appropriate way. The question of sin only arises when we nurse it and express it in destructive ways, e.g. sarcasm, nagging, withdrawal negative humor, cold silence, procrastination, sexual affairs, harsh sermons and "looks that could kill." The more we nurse our anger, the stronger it becomes. It can grow into the "poison of resentment." Harboring resentment is a sure way to kill a relationship. When we express our anger in a destructive way, we are simply adding more violence and darkness to an already violent and dark night. Before we can forgive a hurt, it is important that we give some expression to the anger around the hurt.

  • Allowing one's anger to emerge, taking time to befriend it and express it in a constructive way is often the beginning of a more authentic and real life for those of us whose tendency is to repress our anger so that we will always appear "kind and nice" to others. Needless to say, it will not be easy to move from being "Mr. or Mrs. nice guy" to being one's real self which always involves some experiences of anger. Most of us may need the help of a counselor to coach us through this transition. But the effort involved is well worth the cost when we consider the newly discovered feeling we will have as we move from a spiritless, going-through-the-motions type of existence to one that is more alive and in touch with what is really going on within and around us.

  • Sometimes the manifestation of our anger is misplaced. For example, we are mad at our boss and we take it out on a spouse, friend, co-worker, child or the dog.

  • "Free-floating anger" is another important element of this emotion. I may be trapped in a bad marriage or a job that I do not like, or with a permanently ill spouse. I may be in denial about a recent loss in my life. I may be constantly mad because life is dealing me a poor hand. On a regular basis, I "fly off the handle" and get mad with someone who has done nothing to offend me.

  • Seeking to understand where the other person is coming from can be very challenging, but also very helpful, as we deal with our anger.

    Learning to Deal with our Anger in a Constructive Way

    We will begin to live our best now if we decide to do what we can to learn to deal with our anger in a healthy way. Can you imagine how much more peaceful our family and social lives and the world at large would be if all of us learned to deal with our anger in a constructive way? Now for some practical suggestions:

    Take time out to cool down

    When our "anger button" is pressed, our immediate reaction may be to strike out and "get back" at the person who hurt or offended us. A big challenge will be to take time out to cool down before we take any action. This step demands much self-discipline, self-control, prayer and a strong desire to become a wholesome person. Sometimes I use my journal to do this. I write down my thoughts and feelings. I may write a nasty letter to the offender. Of course, I do not mail it. My journaling exercise invariably helps to defuse the anger. Physical exercise, meditation and deep breathing are other good ways to defuse our anger. I have often been very grateful that I took time to cool down before I expressed my anger in a destructive way. When nasty words are said, it can take a long time to undo the harm caused by them. When we are caught up in our anger, we don't think clearly, speak rationally or feel compassionately, hence, the absolute importance for taking time to cool down and reflect.

    Take time to reflect and pray

    Having cooled down, we should take time to reflect and pray about what is happening within us. What is causing the anger? Sometimes it may be very clear, but other times it may not be clear. Still, other times we may think the cause is one thing when it is, in fact, something else. We can ask the Holy Spirit to help us name the true cause of our anger. This demands much openness, especially if we are resistant to facing a personality trait that we would prefer not to admit and acknowledge. For example, we may get angry when we can't control a situation or someone else's behavior. If this is the case, the problem is ours and we need to take care of it. This may mean letting go of our need to control someone else's behavior or letting go of an expectation that the other person cannot fulfill-at least at this time. Or, we may become aware that we are making too much of what happened.

    On the other hand, in our reflection and prayer we may become aware of our tendency to repress anger, thus allowing others to take advantage of us. We may conclude that we have been violated in some way and that we need to do something about it. With reflective prayer, we will hopefully, get some clarity on what we need to do with the ganger we feel. Martin Luther King rightfully decided that his anger concerning racial discrimination in America was righteous anger. Such righteous anger motivated him to fight till he died for justice for his people. It would have been a terrible mistake if Dr. King had repressed his anger, or expressed it in a destructive way. In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, thousands of people are experiencing righteous anger at the local, state and federal governments poor response to the biggest disaster that we have ever experienced in our country.

    Talk to a friend

    Sometimes it helps to talk to a friend who can give an objective opinion on what he/she thinks. We should avoid seeking the help of people who will only tell us what we want to hear. So we may need to tell our friend to be really honest with us. And our friend may also have helpful suggestions about what, if any action, that we need to take.

    Destructive Expressions of Anger

    Before we look at a constructive way that we can express our anger, it is important to be aware of the indirect ways we can express it (all of which are destructive) and the direct but destructive ways we can express our anger.

    Experts in the field of anger remind us that anger always gets expressed either directly or indirectly. Many of us express our anger in an indirect way much more frequently than we may care to admit. We express our anger indirectly because we may not want to admit to another, or even to ourselves, that we are angry. We may believe it is wrong to be angry. We may feel ashamed of our anger or we may not want the person to know that they had indeed pressed our "anger button." Some of the common ways that people express anger indirectly are: negative humor, sarcasm and displaced anger. The person we are angry at may receive the butt of our anger or an innocent third party. We may withdraw and/or give someone who has offended us the cold, silent treatment. We become passive-aggressive because we do not want to admit that we are angry and so we do things (intentionally or unintentionally) that will annoy and frustrate the person we are mad at. The feeling of being "bored with everything" is another way our anger can be indirectly expressed. Within marriage, some indirect expressions of anger are excessive drinking and extramarital affairs, which often are a mask for the real issues: intimacy, closeness and emotional distance. . .

    We can express anger directly in a constructive or destructive manner. We express it in a destructive way when we verbally or physically abuse another. Our aim is to punish and hurt the person who offended us in some way. When our "anger button" is pressed, we may be very tempted to express our anger in the two ways I just mentioned. Both are nonproductive. They only serve to destroy our relationship with God, others and self. If we frequently express our anger in indirect ways or in a direct, but destructive way, we are faced with a major challenge to our maturing process.

    Expressing our Anger in a Constructive way

    If we are not used to expressing our anger in a constructive way, it may take us some time to learn this important skill. But, it we are to grow into healthy human beings and live more peaceful lives, it is very important that we do whatever it takes to develop this skill and virtue.

    If we decide we need to talk to another about the anger we feel towards him/her I assume we would first take the steps mentioned above. We have taken time to cool down, we have taken time to pray and reflect on the situation. We may have talked to a friend who has given us his/her honest opinion and we have sincerely and prayerfully decided that the next best and right thing for us to do is to talk to the other person.

    Once we decide we need to talk we can decide on a good time for both parties. Once that is arranged we can pray that the Holy Spirit (and not an evil spirit) will be with both parties. When the time comes for us to 'say our bit', we should try to avoid harsh accusatory language. Such will only add more fuel to the fire. Yet, we should express ourselves with sufficient intensity that our concern/hurt will be clearly communicated. (If it helps us we may need to write down what it is we wish to say). As for the outcome we do not have control over this. Our job is to take the action we need to take in the most appropriate and Christian way that we can and hope for the best. If the other party's response to us is negative and closed, that is his/her problem not ours. We should feel good that we approached the situation prayerfully, reflectively with a cool head and a conciliatory heart. That is the most anyone can expect of us.

    After the encounter, we would do well to reflect on how we did. This is how we learn. Upon reflection, we may conclude we were too defensive, aggressive, too weak etc. If we feel that our efforts went nowhere because the other party was closed to us, then we must decide how long we want to continue to be angry with the person. We must ask: What good will be achieved by me holding onto my anger? Will it help me in some positive way or will the toxic poison of resentment only continue to steal my peace and joy and keep me miserable?

    If you decide you would like to forgive the hurt done to you, you may want to read my two part article on Forgiving Life's Hurts (Part 1 Part 2).

    If you have any insights, comments or dealing with anger in a constructive way, I'd love to hear from you.