THE DIFFICULT CHALLENGE OF FORGIVING LIFE'S HURTS
PART ONE


Today's readings offer a big challenge to all of us who call ourselves disciples of the Lord. Just read again the opening lines of the first reading.

"Wrath and anger are hateful things,
Yet the sinner hugs them tight."

Wow! What a statement. We may wonder why many good people hold wrath, anger, resentments etc tight. I'll come to that later. Sirach then continues

"The vengeful will suffer
The Lord's vengeance,
For he remembers their sins in detail."

Generally, God has a 'poor memory' for our sins (Hebrews 10:17) but he will remember in detail the sins of those who desire vengeance on those who hurt them. Vengeance is the Lord's job, not ours. Ours is to forgive all who hurt us. Easier said than done. In Luke 6:27-35, Jesus reminds us that even pagans can love those who love them. No brownie points for that. If we are really interested in testing the depth or shallowness of our Christianity, we can look at how well or poorly we deal with life's hurts.

Of course, as I write this column, I am aware that there are hurts and hurts. Some hurts are huge and only great cooperation with God's grace will enable us to forgive what may seem to us an unforgivable sin or hurt. When a sin or hurt appears unforgivable, we must to remember that every so called unforgivable sin has been forgiven by ordinary folks.

Three Reasons Why We Should Forgive Life's Hurts.

  • Because Jesus tells us to do so, not once but many times.

    In today's gospel, Peter was hoping that Jesus would agree that there should be limits to forgiveness. Surely, if someone hurts us three or four times it would be okay for us to say to our offender: "Your done. I'm through with you. No more forgiveness." This seems very reasonable to me. Unfortunately, Jesus disagrees. Then Jesus goes on to tell a parable (today's gospel) the point of which is to let us know that there must be no limit to our forgiveness. How come we might ask? Because Jesus doesn't limit the number of times he forgives us. In a lifetime, Jesus will have forgiven each of us thousands of times. We would be in bad shape if Jesus said to us: "I'll forgive you seven times but that is it." "Seven strikes and you are out." As we know, Jesus not only preached forgiveness but also practiced it. He died forgiving the men who had 'beaten him to a pulp', driving nails into his hands and feet and leaving him to die a most cruel death. If we are to deserve the name "Christian" or "disciple of Christ" we must try to do the same. In the Lord's Prayer we say: "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." We cannot say the Lord's Prayer with sincerity of heart if we are deliberately holding onto grudges. In Mark 11:25, Jesus says to us:

    When you stand in prayer,
    forgive whatever sins you have against anybody,
    so that your Father in heaven
    may forgive you your sins.

    Going to God with an unforgiving heart probably renders our prayer useless. People with many years of experience in the healing ministry all agree that the biggest block to God's healing love flowing into us is not a lack of faith but an unforgiving heart. I should stress that I am speaking here about a hardened heart verses a heart that desires to let go of a hurt but has not gotten there yet. I am speaking about the attitude that more or less says: "I am not going to forgive that person period. I have absolutely no desire to even pray or be prayed with for the grace to let go." Spiritually speaking that is an awfully bad place to be. I often wonder what happens to people who die with such a disposition. Do they go to hell? If not, I assume that they will spend some quality time in purgatory. So the first and most important reason why we must cooperate with God's grace to forgive life's hurts is that Jesus tells us to do so.

    A second reason is to free our hearts of the destructive nature of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness hurts us emotionally, spiritually and many believe physically. It has been said that holding onto a grudge is like "drinking poison and expecting the other person (our offender) to also drink it. Well they don't. We inflict a continuous wound on ourselves when we decide to hold onto our grudges and resentments. That is hardly a smart thing for us to do emotionally, spiritually or physically. If I am smart and want to be healthy, I will do all I can to free my heart of unforgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift I give myself. Not to forgive is to allow our offender continued control over our emotions. Not to forgive is to allow our offender to go on injuring us emotionally and spiritually. Does that seem smart? I don't think so.

    A third reason to forgive is to restore peace to our world. As we look at the evening news all of us feel bad that there is so much hatred and animosity in our world. When we hold onto grudges, we are active participants and contributors to the hatred and negative atmosphere of our society. But when we decide to do our best to get rid of the resentments in our hearts, we become "Peacemakers". In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus calls peacemakers true children of God. When we deliberately hold onto grudges and resentments we act more like children of the devil.

    To achieve any goal, we must be motivated. One big reason we don't pray more, or exercise more is lack of strong motivation. Hopefully, the above three reasons will motivate us to do the Lord's work of forgiveness. And hopefully, the things that I will say in the rest of this column and in Part 2 will give you practical helps as you seek to let go of life's hurts. This week I will look at:

  • Inspiring examples of forgiveness

  • What forgiveness is and isn't

  • Ten things to remember about the forgiveness process.

  • Obstacles. What often blocks us from letting go a hurt?

    In Part 2 , I will look at:

  • How Prayer can help us to forgive.

  • "Forgiving" God.

  • Forgiving Self.

  • What to do in a continuously hurtful situation.

    Inspiring Examples of Forgiveness

    Inspiring examples of forgiveness should inspire us also to forgive what are probably much lesser hurts.

    Many people sincerely believe that it is impossible to forgive some hurts. This is not true. Praise God, we have in our day wonderful examples of people able to forgive what seemed like unforgivable hurts. What we need to keep in mind about the following examples is that the people involved are ordinary people. The following examples should help us to believe that we can let go a hurt no matter how big it is-if we really want to.

    In the aftermath of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles, a truck driver named Reggie Denny was pulled from his truck and severely beaten. When the case came to trial, Denny stunned the courtroom when he offered to forgive those who almost killed him. Later Denny said that only by forgiving the perpetrators could he put the painful event behind him and move on with his life. When the Truth and Reconciliation Commission was set up in South Africa to heal the hurts of decades of apartheid and human abuses, an American couple, Peter and Linda Biehl, went to South Africa to meet and embrace the people who killed their twenty-six year old daughter. Fr. Jenco, one of the Beirut hostages, forgave those who had starved, degraded and brutalized him. He said that only when he was able to forgive his kidnappers was he able to enjoy his freedom. Shortly after the tragic shootings at Columbine High School in Littleton, at least two parents publicly said that they had forgiven the killers of their daughter.

    One wonders how many millions of people alive today are trapped and in bondage to bitterness and resentments because of their lack of desire to pray for and work toward forgiving life's hurts. The four examples mentioned above prove that forgiveness is possible. The question for those of us who still harbor bitterness is: Do we truly want to be freed of our bitterness?

    What Forgiveness is and isn't

    Forgiveness does not mean excusing or minimizing a hurt. It doesn't mean that we have to like the person who hurt us. (I doubt Jesus liked the Pharisees). It doesn't necessarily mean that we have to relate to or befriend our offender unless our particular situation calls for this, e.g. a married couple who desire their relationship to continue. Also, it is desirable that a divorced couple that have children have a cordial relationship for the sake of the children. It is also desirable that co-workers, especially in a parish setting can be civil to each other for the sake of the community they belong to. Forgiveness does not mean that we never experience negative feelings towards our offender. Such feelings do not prove that we have not sincerely forgiven a hurt. They only prove that the hurt has not been fully healed.

    So What is true forgiveness?

    Forgiveness is a process (which may take a day, a year or a lifetime) during which I decide (sometimes over and over) to forgive my offender. Forgiveness is not so much a feeling but an act of the will. Forgiveness is a decision to begin a process that will, with the help of God, end with complete forgiveness. Ideally at the end of the process we have befriended the one who hurt us. But sometimes reconciliation is not possible or even desirable e.g. in the case of an unrepentant offender who could hurt us over and over. Forgiveness is a decision to move beyond the anger, grudges and resentments we may be holding onto. We know that the work of forgiveness is actually occurring when the distance between us and our offender is a "peaceful distance" and not a hostile one. We know that forgiveness has probably occurred when we can sincerely pray for our offender, wish him/her well and even if the need arises, help him/her out. Any desire to punish, hurt or get revenge is gone.

    Ten Things to Remember about the Forgiveness Process.

  • Remember forgiveness is God's way or medicine to help us deal with life's hurts, just as repentance and mercy is his way to deal with guilt and revenge. Getting even is the world's way.

  • Remember that people hurt us not because they are horrible nasty people but because they are immature, spiritually blind, weak, wounded and imperfect like us. Remember what Jesus said on the cross "Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing". We may have a hard time believing this but if we were fully spiritually awake we would never say or do nasty things. This point cannot be stressed enough. Usually, when we can get beyond believing that our offender is evil or horrible, we can move forward with the forgiveness process.

  • Remember that forgiveness of a big hurt usually takes lots of time, effort and prayer and sometimes the help of a counselor. The same hurt may have to be forgiven seventy times seven.

  • Remember that forgiveness is not a whimp response to a hurt. Conversely, only people of strong spiritual fiber can forgive and let go a hurt.

  • Remember not to confuse the gospel call to forgive over and over with toleration of ongoing hurtful behavior. The Christian call to forgive does not mean that we tolerate ongoing abuse from someone. In fact, we should resist the abuser in every non-violent way possible. This is what Gandhi and Dr. King believed and taught their supporters. A teenager, who betrays a parent's trust, can be forgiven but he must also be challenged to mend his ways if he is to regain their trust.

  • Remember that frequently the reason we may not be making much progress with our efforts to forgive is that deep down we continue to have a strong resistance. On the surface, we may say we want to forgive, but deep down we may not.

  • Remember that it is usually important to express the anger and hurt we feel around a hurt before we try to forgive it. Some experts in this area say that some people try to forgive too soon. First, we may need to spend some time being as mad as hell with the offender. Only then may we be ready to begin the forgiveness process. On the other hand, spiritually mature people will be able to forgive rather quickly and not need to spend much time being as mad as hell with the offender.

  • Remember that there is a difference between the forgiveness of a hurt and the healing of a hurt. We may continue to have negative feelings towards a person after we have forgiven them. The presence of the negative feelings does not mean that we have not forgiven them. It only means the wound of the hurt is still with us.

  • Remember that while we are always called to forgive a hurt, we are not always called to reconcile or re-establish a relationship. While the gospel asks us to love our enemies, it does not ask us to be friends with them. While Jesus loved his opponents, I doubt that he had a friendly relationship with them.

  • Remember that forgiveness is a gift that we must frequently pray for. Sometimes we may be able to forgive without praying for help. But with bigger hurts we will need the grace of God to soften our hearts and let go.

    If you are presently struggling to forgive a hurt, it may be helpful to pause for a moment and re-read the above to see if you are forgetting any of them.

    Ten Obstacles to the Forgiveness Process

    Forgiveness can be a very complicated process. We may wonder why Reggie Denny could forgive people who nearly beat him to death while we may not be able or willing to forgive much lesser hurts. We may wonder why some good people can't even get started with the forgiveness process. My guess is that there are thousands, maybe millions of good church going people who have decided not to forgive a particular hurt. They are not even willing to pray for a desire to let go. If we are struggling with the issue of forgiving a hurt it should be helpful to look at what may be blocking us from getting started and moving forward. Frequently, the obstacles to forgiveness are unconscious. The following may be some of the reasons that we have a hard time forgiving a hurt.

  • Because of life's experiences, we may not be a very forgiving person. We may have been hurt a lot when we were young or during our adult years. These experiences may have left us wounded or weakened in this area. We may have little experience of forgiveness. We may in fact, have failed to actually accept forgiveness when offered. As a result we may have little forgiveness to give up. But then again through a miracle of grace, people who have had little forgiveness in their lives may have little forgiveness to give away.

  • We may feel strongly that our offender does not deserve our forgiveness. Rather, he/she deserves our scorn. This may be true. But, somewhere we must ask: Do we deserve the forgiveness of others and especially do we deserve God's mercy for our many offenses against him?

  • Intellectually, we may feel consciously or unconsciously that Jesus is wrong on this issue. (I think many do). We may feel some things should not be forgiven e.g. terrorist's acts, but also some bad things done to us.

  • Pride is a big obstacle for many people. They simply cannot humble themselves enough to get down on their knees and beg God to help them to do something that they may have absolutely no desire to do.

  • Forgiving a hurt may seem like I am minimizing or excusing a hurt. It may seem like an act of weakness. Macho people do not like to come across as weak in any way.

  • Forgiveness involves facing emotions that most of us do not like to face and deal with, namely, anger, our need for revenge, hatred, need to get even etc. Most of us simply do not want to believe we have such emotions and when they are strong within us, we don't like to deal with them.

  • We may fear that forgiveness would only lead us to feel open to being hurt again.

  • Forgiveness involves being vulnerable. We may have a strong resistance to being vulnerable.

  • We may not even want to talk to God about the issue because we don't want to hear him say: "forgive", "let go". As a result we may even keep God at a distance. Of course, such a decision negatively impacts our whole relationship with God.

  • Finally, we may feel (and this one is always unconscious) that our anger is one we have gotten when it comes to a particular relationship. If I let it go I may feel diminished, empty or without any power.

  • We may not be able to get beyond the anger and rage we feel related to the hurt. All we may be able to think about is how we can 'get even' with our offender. Of course, it's okay to be angry, we just need to decide how long we need to be angry? A year, ten years, twenty years? Deciding to keep our anger alive is a decision to allow our offender to continue to control our emotions for five, ten or more years later. Do we really want to give our offender that much control over our lives, emotionally and spiritually? Finally, we may feel (and this is nearly always unconscious) that our anger is all we have left when it comes to a particular relationship. If I let it go, I may feel diminished, empty and very powerless. (For more on anger, see my article: Dealing with Anger in a Constructive Way)

    If you are struggling with forgiving a hurt, you may want to see if any of the above applies to you. Also, if you have done any work in this area, you may be aware of other hurts. If so, please share with me.

    A Challenging Prayer As We Remember September 11th

    I found the following prayer challenging to say. Most likely some of you may also. But it helped a lot when I read where it was found.

    "Lord remember not only the men and women
    of good will, but also those of ill will.
    But do not remember all the suffering they have
    inflicted upon us.
    Remember rather the fruits we brought,
    thanks to this suffering:
    Our comradeship, our loyalty, our humility,
    the courage,
    The generosity, the greatness of heart that
    has grown out of this.
    And when they come to judgment
    let all the fruits we have borne be
    their forgiveness."

    Found on an old wrapping paper in the Ravensbrück concentration camp, cited by Bruderhof Daily Dig, www.bruderhof.org)

    We continue to pray for all who lost their lives on 9/11, for their grieving loved ones, for the conversion and apprehension of terrorists, for our troops and for all who are fighting the war against terrorism.