FORGIVING LIFE'S HURTS
PART TWO: How Prayer can help us to be a forgiving presence in our world.

As you read this column, remember it is Part Two of a series on forgiving life's hurts. If presently trying to forgive a particular hurt, you are strongly encouraged to read Part 1 before reading this column. In this column I will offer:

  • Four Prayer suggestions

  • Offer reflections on 'forgiving' God and church

  • Offer reflections on 'forgiving' oneself.

  • Respond to two questions frequently raised about forgiveness

    How prayer can help us to forgive a hurt

    In many cases we may not need to pray for God's help to forgive a hurt or wrong done to us. To restore peace to our lives or save us from the ugly feeling of resentments, we may be able to simply forgive the person who has hurt us or wronged us without going to prayer. But other times we may feel little or no desire to forgive a hurt or wrong. Or we may desire to forgive and get past the anger and resentments but we may feel helpless in our efforts to do so. That is when we need to talk to God and seek his help. We may need to forgive a person living or deceased or seek their forgiveness. We may need to forgive the church or even God. Finally, we may need to forgive ourselves. In my booklet on How to Forgive Yourself and Others, I deal with each of the above and I offer practical prayer suggestions for each area named above. (Available from Liguori Publications, Telephone 1-800-325-9521 or parish office.)

    Before we begin to pray we are encouraged to first give some expression to the feelings around the hurt. This can be done by having an imaginary conversation with our offender or it can be done through writing. We can tell the person exactly how we feel about what happened. If we think it helps, we can tell our offender that he/she is a "rotten, dirty skunk" etc, etc. Some people may not need to do this, but usually it helps. (Of course, don't mail the letter). If we are uncomfortable allowing ourselves to feel what is sometimes called our "tough feelings" (hate, anger, jealously etc) we may have a hard time with this step and maybe with the following four prayer suggestions: Each of the following prayer suggestions need to be adjusted to fit your particular situation and feelings.

    Prayer Suggestion #1-Prayer of Desire

    If we have little or no desire to forgive a hurt we can begin by praying for the desire. You could pray the following prayer or a similar one:

    Jesus, you know I have little or no desire to forgive N. You know the hateful and angry feelings I have because of the hurt N. did to me. But I also know that it is no good for my body mind or spirit to go on being angry at N. Jesus, I admit my own helplessness in this area of my life. But I also place my trust in your power to give me what I need to let go of the anger I harbor. If you could open the eyes of the blind you can soften this hard heart of mine. So, please place in my heart a desire to work through this hurt.

    You may have to pray the above prayer fervently many times before you notice any desire to work through your hurt. Just as physical therapy takes time and effort, so it is with spiritual therapy. We may have to stretch ourselves a lot spiritually if we want God to melt a heart that is very hardened against our offender. This may well be the toughest step we will have to take. If you find yourself stuck at this stage, I suggest you come see me or see some other priest or spiritual guide.

    Prayer Suggestion #2-Prayer of Repentance

    While there may be a rare situation where we are the totally innocent party and all the wrong is with the offending party, usually we have done something wrong either before, during or after the event. For example, since the offense took place, we may have talked in a un-Christ like way about our offender not just to one person but to several. We may have slandered his/her good name. We may exaggerate our account of what happened etc. If we have done wrong then we need to seek the Lord's forgiveness. Our prayer could be something like this:

    Jesus, forgive me for anything wrong
    I have said or done in this event.
    I have no problem telling others
    about how horrible N. is but I have
    a big problem admitting my own
    wrong doing. I ask your forgiveness

    It takes a lot of humility to face, admit and confess anything wrong that we may have said or done. It may take us awhile to actually pray the above prayer with sincerity.

    Prayer Suggestion #3-Pray for our Offender

    A wonderful and effective way to make progress when it comes to forgiveness is to begin to pray for our offender. Our willingness to pray for our offender is a very concrete sign that our heart is softening. Jesus told us to love our enemies. Prayer for our offender is a concrete sign of our willingness to love the one who has hurt us or wronged us. A simple prayer in this area might be the following:

    Lord, you created N. good just like you created me good.
    You love N. just as you love me with all my faults and weaknesses.
    You know I do not love N. very much at this time, but you do love him/her. Share with me your love for N.
    Also, God, I ask you to bless this scoundrel.
    Sometimes, I too am a scoundrel and in need of your blessing.

    If we continue to pray the above prayer over a period of time, we will, most likely, notice a new attitude growing inside of us.

    Prayer Suggestion #4-Pray for deliverance from an evil spirit of unforgiveness.

    In his book, Healing in the Spirit, Fr. Jim McManus,

    C.S.S.R. has a chapter on "Breaking the Bond." He tells two remarkable stories about good Catholic women who wanted to let go of the hate that filled their hearts but somehow couldn't. As Fr. McManus prayed with both women, he silently bound the evil spirit of hatred in the name of Jesus and commanded it to depart and never return. The hatred and coldness in both women's hearts immediately left and peace was restored to their lives. In both cases, Fr. McManus believes an evil spirit had attached itself to the unforgiving heart of the two women. Before they could experience healing and peace, they first had to be delivered from the evil spirit.

    If we are trying to forgive a big hurt, but all we feel in our heart is animosity and hatred, we may need to pray a prayer of deliverance or have a priest, open to such a prayer, pray with us. We could pray a simple prayer of deliverance in this way: "Spirit of hatred and unforgiveness, I bind you and command you to leave me in the name of Jesus." Needless to say, there is little point in praying such a prayer if we do not have a genuine desire to forgive.

    "Forgiving" God

    Some of you may be shocked that I would speak about forgiving God. After all God could never be guilty of hurting us or doing us wrong. While that is true, the fact is that many people distance themselves from God because they believe he has failed them. And in a real sense, God does fail us when he does not answer our prayer in a way we want him to. This is especially true when we seek his help with something that is very important to us e.g. the healing of a loved one, saving of a marriage etc. Coming to terms with unanswered prayer for an important matter can be very difficult. It is just not easy to know why our all loving God would not heal a sick child or touch the wayward heart of a spouse or protect us from a destructive hurricane.

    In the face of unanswered prayer, the worst thing we can do is break our relationship with God, or distance ourselves from him. The best think we can do is to tell God exactly how we feel. Fortunately for us the Old Testament gives us lots of examples of God's friends telling him exactly how unhappy they are with him when he did not act as they thought he should have. (check out Ex 32:11-14, Number 14:13-19, Job 23:10, 24:12, Jer. 12:1-3, 15:10-21, 20:14-15, Psalm 22 & 38). An example of a feisty prayer in this area would be:

    God, I'm so mad with you.
    I'm sick and tired of people telling me
    how good you are.
    If you are so all loving, how come you allow
    natural disasters that kills thousands of people and throws millions of lives into chaos.
    I see so many bad people
    get away with murder
    while many of your dedicated
    servants get beat up.
    What kind of a God are you?

    I think it is safe to say that hardly any of us were taught to speak like that to God. In fact, we may have been told it would be sinful to speak in such a disrespectful way to God. You may still believe this. Yet, if the above prayer expresses how we sometimes feel, I believe it is very important that we give expression to our thoughts and feelings. Failure to do so only creates a distance between us and God. Consciously or un consciously a bad feeling about God and his workings in you lives and the world will fester within us.

    We nearly always feel better emotionally and spiritually when we are able to give expression to tough thoughts and feelings that we may be having. From God's side, you can be sure he is saying, "go fella or lady" when we have the courage to express our real thoughts and feelings. Our expression of our disappointment or anger is a concrete sign that our relationship with God is alive and well and not distant and cold. When the time is right, you might add:

    God, even though I am as mad as hell with you,
    I do not want to stay that way
    because it is destructive to our relationship.
    So help me Lord to get through this difficult time
    Protect me from the workings of the devil
    who always wants to use bad situations
    to alienate me from you.

    Forgiving the Church

    Many people carry within them hurts related to the church. Common hurts have to do with the church's failure to be present in a time of need, mistreatment by a priest, sister or layperson in a catholic school or in some other aspect of the church's life. Maybe a priest refused to marry you in the church or baptize a child.

    When it comes to forgiving the church or anyone for that matter, I often say to people: It's okay and normal to be as mad as hell with the church or whoever hurt you, but at some stage we have to decide how long do we want to be angry? One year, ten years, twenty years? Some carry church related hurts with them to the grave.

    Dealing with the Hurt

    Assuming one who has been hurt by the church has some desire, however small to deal with it and let go the hurt, what steps might he/she take? The following are some suggestions:

  • Get in touch with the hurt. Name the hurt and the feelings around it. For example: "I am so mad and angry about....." Name and express the feelings.

  • Begin to bring the hurt to prayer. For example: "Jesus let me tell you about this church of yours. Let me tell you how poorly they represented you when dealing with me (or with a friend or a member of your family).

  • Having taken time to give expression to your feelings, a next helpful step might be to go visit a priest and share your hurt. If you decide to take this step, be sure that you choose a priest who can empathize with your hurt. The last thing you need is to meet with a priest who will become defensive and who is unable or unwilling to feel your pain.

  • If the hurt continues, seek divine assistance through prayer. You might say to Jesus:

    Jesus, I know that you too suffered much at the hands of religious authorities. They rejected you, twisted your words and frequently mistreated you. Yet somehow you forgave them. You know I have a hard time letting go of the hurt I feel towards our church. Yet despite her many weaknesses and failures to care for us your people, she is the imperfect instrument you have chosen to continue your work on earth. Help me to let go of the hurt I feel towards our church authorities (or members). I want to do this because you tell us over and over in your word to forgive.

  • Call to mind that perhaps you may not always have been a perfect representative of the church. A big danger in the forgiveness process is that we take what I call the "righteous victim stance". I may believe all right is on my side and all the wrong is on the other side. Rarely is this the reality.

  • Remember that even though we are always called to forgive life's hurts, we are definitely not called to be quiet about wrongdoing. Dr. Martin Luther King forgave those who physically assaulted him and his family, but yet he continued to speak out against racial injustice. If there is something wrong going on in the church, we too should speak out-but to the proper authorities.

    Forgiving Ourselves

    For many people, especially those of us raised in a strict environment, forgiving ourselves can be the toughest challenge of all. Because we are complex human beings, it is not always easy to know why we may have a tough time accepting God's mercy. Our inability or refusal to accept his mercy must make him sad. If we have a tough time forgiving ourselves, there is a good chance that it is due to the fact that our moral formation was so strict that we developed a scrupulous and perfectionstic conscience. We may have an inner voice, (sometimes called "inner critic") that is constantly telling us how bad we are. If this is our situation, we would do ourselves a big favor if we would find ourselves a spiritual counselor who could help us to be free of this "spiritual disability". If you think I might be able to help you, do not hesitate to contact me.

    Prayer Exercise

    To help us counteract the inner voices that are harsh and condemning, we need to take time to listen to the voice of God and Jesus telling us of their love for us. In Isaiah 43:4 God says to us.

    "You are precious in my eyes
    and I love you."

    In John 15:9, Jesus says to us:

    "As the Father love me, so I love you."

    Now pause for a moment and ask yourself; do you believe in your heart of hearts that you are precious in God's eyes? Do you believe in your heart of hearts that Jesus loves you with the same love that God loves him? The truth may be that we believe it in our heads but not in our hearts. A good spiritual exercise is to take time to sit and ponder the above two scriptures. Listen to them over and over and ask yourself. Do I really believe this word of God?

    If you harbor doubts about God's forgiveness for past sins, spend time with the prodigal son story in Luke 15, and with Peter's denials of Jesus, Luke 22:54-62 and with Jesus' encounter with the good thief on the cross, Luke 23:39-43. If Jesus was willing to forgive Peter for denying him not once but three times and if he was willing to forgive the good thief who had, most likely, commit very bad crimes and willing to forgive the people who brutally executed him, what makes you believe that Jesus wouldn't forgive you? And if Jesus forgives you, who are we not to forgive ourselves? Isn't that a bit arrogant to be harder on oneself than Jesus would be?

    Sometimes a part of learning to forgive ourselves is learning to talk back to the inner voices that put us down. Sometimes, we may have to tell such voices to 'buzz off' and tell them that we now believe God's affirming word and not their harsh condemning word.

    What to do when your offender is not sorry for hurting you.

    The forgiveness process is made more difficult when our offender is unrepentant and acts as if what he/she did was no big deal. Two things to remember.

  • We forgive for our sake - so that the toxic poison of unforgiveness does not continue to hurt us spiritually and emotionally.

  • Most likely, the people Jesus forgave continued to be unrepentant. But he forgave them anyway.

  • Remember that the unrepentant are not terribly bad people. They are just spiritually blind or asleep to the wrong they have done.

    What to do when the hurt is ongoing.

    It is hard enough to forgive when the hurt is in the past, but it is really hard to forgive when the hurt is ongoing e.g. an abusive spouse or employer. For this situation I offer the following suggestions:

  • Withdraw from the situation. I doubt God calls us to continue to live or work with someone who is continuously abusive. Of course, one may not be in a position financially to leave an abusive spouse or employer.

  • If we cannot withdraw from the abusive environment, confront the offender as best you can. God does not expect us to be doormats in an unjust situation. Often bullies take advantage of weak people who will not stand up to them. If we are very afraid to do this, we may need some coaching from a good counselor.

  • Resist the powers of darkness with prayer. When there is abuse and injustice, the devil is very much at work. In Ephesians 6:10-17, Paul reminds us that we are not just fighting flesh and blood but powers and principalities. Daily, we are engaged in a spiritual warfare. We need to know the real enemy is the devil at work in the hearts of ungodly people (and also, of course, at work in all of us when we give him a foothold in our lives). I once knew a man who had a very nasty boss. After he had a spiritual conversion he started the practice of rebuking the evil spirit that was operating in his boss. Sometimes his prayers brought surprising results.

  • Accept as best you can what cannot be changed-at this time. During his life on earth, Jesus suffered much abuse at the hands of others. He met the evil with love and strength and in the end defeated it.

    Concluding Remarks

    For some very mature and enlightened people, forgiveness is not necessarily a big challenge. They know their offender is a wounded and spiritually asleep person. But, for most of us, forgiveness can be a very challenging thing. In some cases it may be the hardest thing we will ever do. When we do it, or even sincerely try to do it, we are conforming ourselves into the likeness of Christ. We are ambassadors of peace and reconciliation. We are overcoming darkness with the light of Christ. We are taking a huge step in becoming a more faithful disciple of Jesus.

    In last week's column and in this weeks, I have said a lot about forgiveness. In looking back over both columns I believe the two keys to forgiving hurt are:

  • A deep desire to want to let go a hurt. If properly motivated we can do anything or almost anything.

  • Going to Jesus in prayer asking him to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

    If you have thoughts, questions or helpful suggestions around this topic, I'd love to hear from you.