Some years ago I listened to a man give a talk about forgiveness. The man had come to lose all respect for his father. He also felt that there was something missing in his spiritual life despite the fact that he came to church regularly and tried to live a good life. Moved by the Holy Spirit, this man picked up the phone and said, "Dad, I need to ask for your forgiveness for all the resentment I have been harboring toward you." I'm not sure that the father was very receptive, but that did not matter as far as the spiritual life of the caller was concerned. He had done what he needed to do. Immediately, this man felt a new closeness to God and a new joy entered his life. Also, his prayers of petition for victory over some personal weaknesses started to be answered. This was a beautiful example of someone removing a huge obstacle in his spiritual development.
Many people find it repulsive to even think about forgiving an individual who has grievously offended them. It is just way beyond their reach. On a human level, forgiveness is beyond many people's reach. This is why we hear the saying, to err is human, to forgive is divine. With the grace of God, it is possible to forgive even the most grievous hurts.
As I write this article, I am aware that some hurts are huge and seem impossible to forgive. In fact, we may have absolutely no desire to forgive a particular hurt. But, if we decide to co-operate with God's grace, we will soon find out all things are possible. I have found when people followed the practical suggestions offered in this article; they have been able to let go a hurt that they thought they could never let go of. In this article, which has two parts I will offer:
In Part two I will look at:
In the scripture quoted above, Peter was hoping that Jesus would agree that there should be limits to forgiveness. Surely, if someone hurts us three or four times it would be okay for us to say to our offender: "You're done. I'm through with you. No more forgiveness." This seems very reasonable to me. Unfortunately, Jesus disagrees. Then Jesus goes on to tell a parable, the point of which is to let us know that there must be no limit to our forgiveness. How come we might ask? Because Jesus doesn't limit the number of times he forgives us. In a lifetime, Jesus will have forgiven each of us thousands of times. We would be in bad shape if Jesus said to us: "I'll forgive you seven times but that is it." "Seven strikes and you are out." As we know, Jesus not only preached forgiveness but also practice it. He died forgiving the men who had 'beaten him to a pulp', driving nails into his hands and feet and leaving him to die a most cruel death. If we are to deserve the name "Christian" or "disciple of Christ" we must try to do the same. In the Lord's Prayer we say: "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." We cannot say the Lord's Prayer with sincerity of heart if we are deliberately holding onto grudges. In Mark 11:25, Jesus says to us:
Going to God with an unforgiving heart probably renders our prayer useless. People with many years of experience in the healing ministry all agree that the biggest block to God's healing love flowing into us is not a lack of faith but an unforgiving heart. I should stress that I am speaking here about a hardened heart versus a heart that desires to let go of a hurt but has not gotten there yet. I am speaking about the attitude that more or less says: "I am not going to forgive that person period. I have absolutely no desire to even pray or be prayed with for the grace to let go." Spiritually speaking that is an awfully bad place to be. I often wonder what happens to people who die with such a disposition. Do they go to hell? If not, I assume that they will spend some quality time in purgatory. So the first and most important reason why we must cooperate with God's grace to forgive life's hurts is that Jesus tells us to do so.
Reason #2: To free our hearts of the destructive nature of unforgiveness.
Unforgiveness hurts us emotionally, spiritually and many believe physically. It has been said that holding onto a grudge is like "drinking poison and expecting the other person (our offender) to also drink it. Well they don't. We inflict a continuous wound on ourselves when we decide to hold onto our grudges and resentments. That is hardly a smart thing for us to do emotionally, spiritually or physically. If I am smart and want to be healthy, I will do all I can to free my heart of unforgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift I give myself. Not to forgive is to allow our offender continued control over our emotions. Not to forgive is to allow our offender to go on injuring us emotionally and spiritually. Does that seem smart? I don't think so.
Reason #3. To help to restore Peace to a violent world.
As we look at the evening news all of us feel bad that there is so much hatred and animosity in our world. When we hold onto grudges, we are active participants and contributors to the hatred and negative atmosphere of our society. But when we decide to do our best to get rid of the resentments in our hearts, we become "Peacemakers". In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus calls peacemakers true children of God. When we deliberately hold onto grudges and resentments we act more like children of the devil.
Inspiring examples of forgiveness should inspire us also to forgive what are probably much lesser hurts.
Many people sincerely believe that it is impossible to forgive some hurts. This is not true. Praise God, we have in our day wonderful examples of people able to forgive what seemed like unforgivable hurts. What we need to keep in mind about the following examples is that the people involved are ordinary people. The following examples should help us to believe that we can let go a hurt no matter how big it is-if we really want to.
In the aftermath of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles, a truck driver named Reggie Denny was pulled from his truck and severely beaten. When the case came to trial, Denny stunned the courtroom when he offered to forgive those who almost killed him. Later Denny said that only by forgiving the perpetrators could he put the painful event behind him and move on with his life. When the Truth and Reconciliation Commission was set up in South Africa to heal the hurts of decades of apartheid and human abuses, an American couple, Peter and Linda Biehl, went to South Africa to meet and embrace the people who killed their twenty-six year old daughter. Fr. Jenco, one of the Beirut hostages, forgave those who had starved, degraded and brutalized him. He said that only when he was able to forgive his kidnappers was he able to enjoy his freedom. Shortly after the tragic shootings at Columbine High School in Littleton, at least two parents publicly said that they had forgiven the killers of their daughter.
One wonders how many millions of people alive today are trapped and in bondage to bitterness and resentments because of their lack of desire to pray for and work toward forgiving life's hurts. The four examples mentioned above prove that forgiveness is possible. The question for those of us who still harbor bitterness is: Do we truly want to be freed of our bitterness?
Forgiveness does not mean excusing or minimizing a hurt. It doesn't mean that we have to like the person who hurt us. (I doubt Jesus liked the Pharisees). It doesn't necessarily mean that we have to relate to or befriend our offender unless our particular situation calls for this, e.g. a married couple who desire their relationship to continue. Also, it is desirable that a divorced couple that have children have a cordial relationship for the sake of the children. It is also desirable that co-workers, especially in a parish setting can be civil to each other for the sake of the community they belong to. Forgiveness does not mean that we never experience negative feelings towards our offender. Such feelings do not prove that we have not sincerely forgiven a hurt. They only prove that the hurt has not been fully healed.
Forgiveness is a process (which may take a day, a year or a lifetime) during which I decide (sometimes over and over) to forgive my offender. Forgiveness is not so much a feeling but an act of the will. Forgiveness is a decision to begin a process that will, with the help of God, end with complete forgiveness. Ideally at the end of the process we have befriended the one who hurt us. But sometimes reconciliation is not possible or even desirable e.g. in the case of an unrepentant offender who could hurt us over and over. Forgiveness is a decision to move beyond the anger, grudges and resentments we may be holding onto. We know that the work of forgiveness is actually occurring when the distance between our offender and us is a "peaceful distance" and not a hostile one. We know that forgiveness has probably occurred when we can sincerely pray for our offender, wish him/her well and even if the need arises, help him/her out. Any desire to punish, hurt or get revenge is gone.
If you are presently struggling to forgive a hurt, it may be helpful to pause for a moment and re-read the above to see if you are forgetting any of them.
Forgiveness can be a very complicated process. We may wonder why Reggie Denny could forgive people who nearly beat him to death while we may not be able or willing to forgive much lesser hurts. We may wonder why some good people can't even get started with the forgiveness process. My guess is that there are thousands, maybe millions of good church going people who have decided not to forgive a particular hurt. They are not even willing to pray for a desire to let go. If we are struggling with the issue of forgiving a hurt it should be helpful to look at what may be blocking us from getting started and moving forward. Frequently, the obstacles to forgiveness are unconscious. The following may be some of the reasons that we have a hard time forgiving a hurt.
If you are struggling with forgiving a hurt, you may want to see if any of the above applies to you. Also, if you have done any work in this area, you may be aware of other hurts. If so, please share with me.
In this section I will offer:
In many cases we may not need to pray for God's help to forgive a hurt or wrong done to us. To restore peace to our lives or save us from the ugly feeling of resentments, we may be able to simply forgive the person who has hurt us or wronged us without going to prayer. But other times we may feel little or no desire to forgive a hurt or wrong. Or we may desire to forgive and get past the anger and resentments but we may feel helpless in our efforts to do so. That is when we need to talk to God and seek his help. We may need to forgive a person living or deceased or seek their forgiveness. We may need to forgive the church or even God. Finally, we may need to forgive ourselves. In my booklet on How to Forgive Yourself and Others, I deal with each of the above and I offer practical prayer suggestions for each area named above. (Available from Liguori Publications, Telephone 1-800-325-9521 or parish office.)
Before we begin to pray we are encouraged to first give some expression to the feelings around the hurt. This can be done by having an imaginary conversation with our offender or it can be done through writing. We can tell the person exactly how we feel about what happened. If we think it helps, we can tell our offender that he/she is a "rotten, dirty skunk" etc, etc. Some people may not need to do this, but usually it helps. (Of course, don't mail the letter). If we are uncomfortable allowing ourselves to feel what is sometimes called our "tough feelings" (hate, anger, jealously etc) we may have a hard time with this step and maybe with the following four prayer suggestions: Each of the following prayer suggestions need to be adjusted to fit your particular situation and feelings.
If we have little or no desire to forgive a hurt we can begin by praying for the desire. You could pray the following prayer or a similar one:
You may have to pray the above prayer fervently many times before you notice any desire to work through your hurt. Just as physical therapy takes time and effort, so it is with spiritual therapy. We may have to stretch ourselves a lot spiritually if we want God to melt a heart that is very hardened against our offender. This may well be the toughest step we will have to take. If you find yourself stuck at this stage, I suggest you come see me or see some other priest or spiritual guide.
While there may be a rare situation where we are the totally innocent party and all the wrong is with the offending party, usually we have done something wrong either before, during or after the event. For example, since the offense took place, we may have talked in a un-Christ like way about our offender not just to one person but to several. We may have slandered his/her good name. We may exaggerated our account of what happened etc. If we have done wrong then we need to seek the Lord's forgiveness. Our prayer could be something like this:
It takes a lot of humility to face, admit and confess anything wrong that we may have said or done. It may take us awhile to actually pray the above prayer with sincerity.
A wonderful and effective way to make progress when it comes to forgiveness is to begin to pray for our offender. Our willingness to pray for our offender is a very concrete sign that our heart is softening. Jesus told us to love our enemies. Prayer for our offender is a concrete sign of our willingness to love the one who has hurt us or wronged us. A simple prayer in this area might be the following:
If we continue to pray the above prayer over a period of time, we will, most likely, notice a new attitude growing inside of us.
In his book, Healing in the Spiri, Fr. Jim McManus, C.S.S.R. has a chapter on "Breaking the Bond." He tells two remarkable stories about good Catholic women who wanted to let go of the hate that filled their hearts but somehow couldn't. As Fr. McManus prayed with both women, he silently bound the evil spirit of hatred in the name of Jesus and commanded it to depart and never return. The hatred and coldness in both women's hearts immediately left and peace was restored to their lives. In both cases, Fr. McManus believes an evil spirit had attached itself to the unforgiving heart of the two women. Before they could experience healing and peace, they first had to be delivered from the evil spirit. When we allow our hearts to become very hardened towards someone, we give the devil a big foothold in our lives. An evil spirit may attach itself to our lives.
If we are trying to forgive a big hurt, but all we feel in our heart is animosity and hatred, we may need to pray a prayer of deliverance or have a priest, open to such a prayer, pray with us. We could pray a simple prayer of deliverance in this way: "Spirit of hatred and unforgiveness, I bind you and command you to leave me in the name of Jesus." Needless to say, there is little point in praying such a prayer if we do not have a genuine desire to forgive.
Sometimes, we may have some "unfinished business" with a deceased person. We may still be angry with a deceased person for the way they treated us or we may have been the offender. In both cases, we can restore peace to our hearts if we so desire.
You may be angry with the deceased person for various reasons. If so, you can write a letter about the feelings you are experiencing. "Dear N., recently I have become aware of how angry and resentful I am about some things that happened between us while you were here with me." Then name all the things you feel hurt and angry about. You may feel bad about saying tough or even hateful things to someone who is dead. But know all those who have gone home to the Lord are a "new creation " and would want us to be free from anything that might rob us of God's peace. The devil does not want us to cleanse our hearts of resentments because he does not want us to enjoy God's peace. Since none of us is perfect, you may want to ask the deceased person for forgiveness for any shortcomings of yours. Again, be specific and name the ways you may have failed the deceased loved one.
After you have written the letter, you can use your imagination to visualize you and the deceased loved one forgiving each other. Embrace each other and know that Jesus is present, rejoicing that forgiveness and reconciliation is taking place. Of course, you may not be ready to forgive some hurts right away. If this is the case, you will need to go through prayer suggestions number one, two and three above.
Some of you may be shocked that I would speak about forgiving God. After all God could never be guilty of hurting us or doing us wrong. While that is true, the fact is that many people distance themselves from God because they believe he has failed them. And in a real sense, God does fail us when he does not answer our prayer in a way we want him to. This is especially true when we seek his help with something that is very important to us e.g. the healing of a loved one, saving of a marriage etc. Coming to terms with unanswered prayer for an important matter can be very difficult. It is just not easy to know why our all loving God would not heal a sick child or touch the wayward heart of a spouse or protect us from a destructive hurricane.
In the face of unanswered prayer, the worst thing we can do is break our relationship with God, or distance ourselves from him. The best think we can do is to tell God exactly how we feel. Fortunately for us the Old Testament gives us lots of examples of God's friends telling him exactly how unhappy they are with him when he did not act as they thought he should have. (check out Ex 32:11-14, Number 14:13-19, Job 23:10, 24:12, Jer. 12:1-3, 15:10-21, 20:14-15, Psalm 22 & 38). An example of a feisty prayer in this area would be:
I think it is safe to say that hardly any of us were taught to speak like that to God. In fact, we may have been told it would be sinful to speak in such a disrespectful way to God. You may still believe this. Yet, if the above prayer expresses how we sometimes feel, I believe it is very important that we give expression to our thoughts and feelings. Failure to do so only creates a distance between God and us. Consciously or unconsciously a bad feeling about God and his workings in you lives and the world will fester within us.
We nearly always feel better emotionally and spiritually when we are able to give expression to tough thoughts and feelings that we may be having. From God's side, you can be sure he is saying, "go fella or lady" when we have the courage to express our real thoughts and feelings. Our expression of our disappointment or anger is a concrete sign that our relationship with God is alive and well and not distant and cold. When the time is right, you might add:
Many people carry within them hurts related to the church. Common hurts have to do with the church's failure to be present in a time of need, mistreatment by a priest, sister or layperson in a Catholic school or in some other aspect of the church's life. Maybe a priest refused to marry you in the church or baptize a child.
When it comes to forgiving the church or anyone for that matter, I often say to people: It's okay and normal to be as mad as hell with the church or whoever hurt you, but at some stage we have to decide how long do we want to be angry? One year, ten years, twenty years? Some carry church related hurts with them to the grave. How sad.
Assuming one who has been hurt by the church has some desire, however small to deal with it and let go the hurt, what steps might he/she take? The following are some suggestions:
For many people, especially those of us raised in a strict environment, forgiving ourselves can be the toughest challenge of all. Because we are complex human beings, it is not always easy to know why we may have a tough time accepting God's mercy. Our inability or refusal to accept his mercy must make him sad. If we have a tough time forgiving ourselves, there is a good chance that it is due to the fact that our moral formation was so strict that we developed a scrupulous and perfectionstic conscience. We may have an inner voice, (sometimes called "inner critic") that is constantly telling us how bad we are. If this is our situation, we would do ourselves a big favor if we would find ourselves a spiritual counselor who could help us to be free of this "spiritual disability". If you think I might be able to help you, do not hesitate to contact me.
In John 15:9, Jesus says to us:
If you harbor doubts about God's forgiveness for past sins, spend time with the prodigal son story in Luke 15, and with Peter's denials of Jesus, Luke 22:54-62 and with Jesus' encounter with the good thief on the cross, Luke 23:39-43. If Jesus was willing to forgive Peter for denying him not once but three times and if he was willing to forgive the good thief who had, most likely, commit very bad crimes and willing to forgive the people who brutally executed him, what makes you believe that Jesus wouldn't forgive you? And if Jesus forgives you, who are we not to forgive ourselves? Isn't that a bit arrogant to be harder on oneself than Jesus would be?
Sometimes a part of learning to forgive ourselves is learning to talk back to the inner voices that put us down. Sometimes, we may have to tell such voices to 'buzz off' and tell them that we now believe God's affirming word and not their harsh condemning word.
The forgiveness process is made more difficult when our offender is unrepentant and acts as if what he/she did was no big deal. Two things to remember.
It is hard enough to forgive when the hurt is in the past, but it is really hard to forgive when the hurt is ongoing e.g. an abusive spouse or employer. For this situation I offer the following suggestions:
For some very mature and enlightened people, forgiveness is not necessarily a big challenge. They know their offender is a wounded and spiritually asleep person. But, for most of us, forgiveness can be a very challenging thing. In some cases it may be the hardest thing we will ever do. When we do it, or even sincerely try to do it, we are conforming ourselves into the likeness of Christ. We are ambassadors of peace and reconciliation. We are overcoming darkness with the light of Christ. We are taking a huge step in becoming a more faithful disciple of Jesus.
In the end, I believe that the two keys to forgiving life's hurt's are:
A final word from Confucius.
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