In the initial stages of a human relationship, we usually make a special effort to be nice to the other person. We tend to avoid talking about issues or feelings that may cause embarrassment or a rift in the relationship. Also, if we are trying to make a good impression on the other person, we may make a special effort to come off "looking good." We may use masks to cover up the areas of our personality that we do not like or think the other party wouldn't like. In other words, our tendency will be to edit what we show or reveal to the other. Yet to the extent that we are failing to share our true thoughts and feelings, the relationship is lacking in honesty and genuineness.

For example, we may be angry with a friend but choose not to reveal our feelings of anger. We act as if "everything is just fine," when, in fact, we might be quite angry inside. Such conduct usually has a detrimental effect on the relationship-making it become merely polite, bland, and boring. We begin to talk about external things-like the weather and other people-rather than sharing personal feelings. An atmosphere of "cool distance" replaces intimacy. Often the repressed anger will reveal itself in passive-aggressive behavior. Until the anger is dealt with, the relationship will remain polite and at a cool distance. When the anger is admitted, talked about, and dealt with, the relationship begins to progress and closeness is restored.

For most of us, telling a person that we are angry with them is far from easy. Very few of us feel comfortable in expressing our anger. Hence, our tendency is to repress our anger and pretend it doesn't exist. Thus the decision to confront difficult feelings or issues in a relationship is a decision to love. We make a decision to reach out because we care about the relationship and because we trust in the goodness of the other to understand whatever it is we need to share. In friendships we learn over and over that we enjoy each other's company to the extent that we decide to be honest and genuine with each other.

So it is in our relationship with God. If we are honest and open with God, we will feel close to the Lord most of the time. On the other hand, if we treat God as "polite company," we may find that while we have a "nice' relationship with God, it lacks fire and intimacy. We will probably experience God as a distant figure.

Learning to be open and honest with God is, without a doubt, one of the most challenging lessons that we have to learn in the school of prayer, especially if our tendency in human relationships has been to hide our real thoughts and feelings. It is not easy to tell others, not to mention the Other-God, the perfect One-that we are angry with them or jealous of them or that we don't feel like communicating with them. And yet if the relationship is to grow and mature, that is exactly what we must learn to do.

Dealing With Anger at God

Many of us have been taught that being angry at God is a sin. As a consequence we are consciously or unconsciously afraid to tell God that we are angry with him. We may think that if we get angry with God he will strike back and punish us. (Perhaps that was our experience as a child when we got angry with our parents, so we learned to hide and not express our anger.) Spiritual directors tell us that most of us are unconscious of our anger with God. For example, if we think that life is unfair, we may unconsciously blame God and be angry with him for allowing such injustice. In his book, God and You, Jesuit Father William Barry writes:

We might resent being the second-born in the family where it seems the oldest gets all the attention and where we always seem to be second best. We may resent the loss of a parent in childhood through death or divorce. We may have grown up as a member of a harassed minority. We may have a physical deformity or blemishes that have made us the objects of stigmatization by others. Even if our heads tell us that God is not to blame for these lacks, still they are life's hurts, and the anger and resentment we feel may also be aimed at the Author of life. At the least, we may at some level feel that God, the all-powerful, could have spared us or protected us if he really loved us.

In the same chapter of that book, Father Barry goes on to tell the story of a young woman who had experienced a personal relationship with God. However, since her engagement to be married, she found God to be distant and prayer to be boring. Initially, she did not know the cause of her alienation. It was only gradually and with the help of a spiritual director that she realized that she was very angry that her father, who died when she was five years old, would not be present at her wedding to walk her down the aisle. It was only later still that she realized that she was angry with God that he had taken her father. One day she went to church to thank God for the blessings in her life. But when she tried to pray, images of her wedding flooded her mind. She became enraged that her dad would not be present. She imagined herself going down the aisle alone, showing everyone the terrible thing God had done to her when he took her father. Then she proceeded to express her anger with God in no uncertain terms. Reflecting on her experience, the young lady realized that God had listened to her expression of anger with patience and compassion. The wall between her and God was broken down. God was experienced as closer, and prayer was no longer boring.

An important appendix to the story is that the young lady was not completely freed of her anger during that one prayer experience in church. Periodically, during the weeks following, her anger would flare up anew. Each time this happened she expressed her anger and found that God listened to her patiently and with compassion.

This touching story teaches us several lessons. It teaches us that it is possible to be angry with God about what happened to us years ago. It reminds us about our tendency to repress our anger with God. It shows us that expressing anger at God doesn't drive him away. Instead, it brings him closer to us. Finally, the story teaches us that if we are angry with God about something, we may have to express that anger not just one time but several times.

The prophet Jeremiah can teach us how to be up front with God. Jeremiah was a rather quiet and gentle person, but his "soul-conversations" reveal that sometimes he engaged in some tough dialogues with God. We are very fortunate that his book contains many of his "confessions" or soul-conversations. Being a gentle person, Jeremiah was particularly sensitive to outbursts of hostility from the people he was trying to reach. Once when experiencing such hostility, he cried out in desperation:

In another chapter, Jeremiah complains to God about the injustice of allowing evil people to prosper. He even has some suggestions for God concerning how he ought to deal with the wicked.

Wow! Jeremiah suggests God drag his enemies off to the slaughter-house and destroy them. Of course, Jesus about 1,000 years later would raise the bar and tell Jeremiah to love his enemies. But, I am sure that God understands us when we might have suggestions for him on how he might deal with our enemies. Of course, having expressed our anger and frustration we then have to try to love them.

In 15:18, Jeremiah is so frustrated and downcast with his suffering he wonders if God has been lying to him. He asks:

For most of us, speaking to God like Jeremiah did is unthinkable. Yet the Scriptures provide many examples of such honest, heartfelt questioning of God and his ways. The Psalms in particular contain many such soul-conversations (see Psalm 22 & 38). The following passages give examples of how open and honest Moses was in his relationship with God: Exodus 5:22-23, Exodus 32:11-14, 30-32, Exodus 33:12-23, Numbers 11:10-15, and Numbers 14:13-19.

We all recognize the fact that even friends become frustrated and angry with each other once in awhile. We get upset when our plans are ignored or when we think our friends are inattentive to our needs and ignoring us. We must wonder about a relationship where no anger or frustration is experienced. Many spiritual guides tell us that if we are "stuck" in our prayer life, the reason is that we are angry with God about something. We will often begin to move again when we are able to recognize and express our anger toward God, people, and life.

Several years ago I attended a seminar given by the late Jesuit priest from India, Father Anthony de Mello. In the course of the weekend he told of how he would never forget the night he went to bed telling Jesus he didn't like him because he felt he (Jesus) had been pushed on him. He said it was far from easy to express such feelings to Jesus. But the next morning when he got up, he felt better and closer to Jesus. Their relationship was now more real.

It is not only unexpressed anger at God that will cause distance between him and us. We will also create a wall between God and ourselves if we fail to honestly recognize and deal with other feelings that we have toward other people. For example, we may experience feelings of hate, jealousy, fear, lust, guilt, or similar attitudes. As long as such feelings are not dealt with, it is likely that we will experience a barrier between God and us.

Dealing With Uncomfortable Feelings

Many of us were raised to believe that certain feelings like anger, hate, jealousy, and lust were wrong and sinful. But the good news is that feelings are neither right nor wrong. Feelings, like the clouds (bright or dark), simply exist. There is no such thing as an immoral feeling. All feelings, even hate, fear, and jealousy, are good in themselves and have a role to play in our lives. For example, our capacity to feel hate is helpful in the face of sin and evil. We use the feeling of fear to stop us from stepping off a ten-story building. We can have a love that is jealous (in the protective and not possessive sense) for the welfare of our children and loved ones. The question of morality arises only when we express our feelings in inappropriate ways or when we allow our feelings to control our behavior. For example, it is not wrong to have hateful feelings for others. Nor is it wrong to tell them in an appropriate way that we have feelings of hatred toward them. But it would be wrong for us to allow our feelings of hate to cause us to behave in hateful ways toward others. This can be particularly cruel and confusing when we haven't even told the other person that we are very upset with him or her.

An important part of human and spiritual growth is learning to accept and integrate all of our feelings. We need to be aware of what feelings are unacceptable to us and why. Our so-called negative feelings often flow from some unresolved past hurt or from an upbringing that communicated to us that certain feelings were wrong and bad. If all our lives we have believed that certain feelings (like jealousy, hate, lust, anger, and similar emotions) are wrong or at least unacceptable, it will not be easy for us to move to a point where we easily accept all feelings as okay in themselves. It will take time, patience, gentleness, and usually the support of others-including a caring counselor-to help us embrace and treat like a wounded child those feelings in us that we were trained to believe were unacceptable and sinful. This is not a blank check to allow our feelings to control us and run our lives. Rather, it is an exhortation to stop pounding on ourselves for having certain feelings or fantasies. We need to learn how to deal with our feelings as we would deal with a wounded or unruly child-namely, with a combination of gentleness and firmness.

Now for four practical steps for dealing with uncomfortable feelings.

First, name the feeling. Sometimes we may not know what we are feeling. Is it anger, confusion, alienation, sadness etc. Naming the feeling is the first step we must take to dealing with it. The simple exercise of accurately naming what we are feeling can be a huge help in dealing with it.

Second, give some expression toward the feeling. If we are angry at someone including God, one effective way to give expression to our intense feelings is to write down exactly how we feel. Imagine the person in your presence and say to him/her exactly what you need to say. If it helps use all the flowery language you need, hold nothing back. Actually, the very act of forcefully expressing our true feelings defuses their intensity. It cannot be emphasized enough how important it is to give expression to our feelings before we pray for their healing.

Third, own the feelings and accept them as part of who we are. It is not easy for any of us to admit that sometimes we have feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, hate, and so forth. Each of us probably has our own list of feelings that we particularly find very difficult to accept. It may not be easy for us to say "I am mad as hell at Joe". Our tendency may be to say "I'm a little disappointed." It may not be easy for some of us to admit and own up to the fact that we are actually jealous of someone's qualities and success etc. Much of the shadowy, unconscious side of our personalities consists of feelings that we judge to be unacceptable. The result is that we push such feelings into our unconscious and refuse to relate to them. Unfortunately, such feelings, like an unruly child, continue to exert a negative influence in our lives and will continue to do so until we enter into a reconciling relationship with them.

Fourth, talk to Jesus about these feelings and seek his healing. It is important and consoling to remember that Jesus, being fully human, probably experienced at times all the feelings with which we feel uncomfortable. In fact, it is very helpful if we can find and reflect on an incident in Scripture where Jesus had a feeling similar to ours. For example, if we feel angry we can meditate on the Temple scene where Jesus became angry with the buyers and sellers (John 2:13-22). In praying to the Lord about our feelings, we might ask him to help us see why a particular encounter even sparked off certain feelings in us. Perhaps we feel jealous of someone else's gifts because we are unaware or unappreciative of our own gifts. Perhaps we got very angry with someone because he or she told us a truth we didn't want to hear. When we find within ourselves uncaring feelings for another person, we need to ask Jesus to give us a new heart toward that person (Psalm 51).

One of the bigger challenges in human and spiritual growth is dealing with uncomfortable feelings. Refusing to deal with them will no doubt steal our peace and cause us constant inner conflict. Facing them and dealing with them the best way we can will help to bring peace and wholeness to our lives and the lives of those around us.

Of course, learning to be honest with God involves more than dealing with uncomfortable feelings. Dealing with our feelings, especially the feeling of anger, has been made the main focus of this section because it is an area in which most of us have received very little spiritual guidance, and often the guidance we received was, unfortunately, more destructive than helpful to our human and spiritual growth.

In summary, we need to realize that learning to be real and honest with God involves bringing our whole selves before God: our messy selves, our confused selves, our good selves. It involves learning to talk to God about our relationships, our jobs, our possessions, our sexiest, wildest, most cruel thoughts, feelings, fantasies, and desires. It involves talking to God about our money: how we make it and how we spend it. It involves talking to God about how we use our time and talents. If we really want to know what is important to us, all we need to do is check and see how we use our time, treasure, and talents.

Honesty in prayer will involve bringing before the Lord our doubts, fears and the anger we may have toward God, others, and self. It may involve telling God that we are sorry for some sins but not so sorry for others, at least at this time. It may involve telling God that we are not yet ready to surrender to him certain areas of our lives. Such openness and honesty about our real self will not happen overnight. It will take time and usually the support and encouragement of a soul-friend. In fact, we can assume that we are only truly genuine with ourselves others, and God on rare occasions. But we should treasure such moments because they are moments of true encounter. Honesty with God, others, and self demands a huge amount of courage and humility. We ought to pray frequently for such courage and humility.

Reflection Questions

1. What insight in these pages spoke to you?

2. Do you tend to treat God as "polite company," or do you tend to level with God about the important matters in your life?

3. Why do you think people would hesitate to talk to God about certain parts of their lives? Why might you hesitate?

Suggested Prayer Exercise

Choose an area or feeling in your life about which you have never talked to God. Write a letter to the Lord about this forgotten or "forbidden" area or feeling. Then try to jot down what you think God's response to you might be.