People often say to me "I hate confrontation." My comment: "Who likes it?" Is it necessary? It is absolutely essential if we are to have healthy relationships in our homes parishes, friendships and work places.
Confrontation is a very important relational skill when it comes to relating with our families, church members, including clergy, friends, co-worker, employer, boss, God etc. Even thought I'm no expert in this area, I know from personal experience that the following are needed if I am to grow in this important skill and grace:
We need courage to overcome the fear we may have of confrontation. So we may first need to pray for courage to just "do it".Can you imagine how much more peaceful our home, work places, parishes and friendships would be if each of us committed ourselves to doing the above. Growing in the grace and human skill of confrontation takes time, effort, courage, humility, prayer and often the help of another skilled in this area. We will be wise people if we work developing this skill. We will add a new dimension and peace to our relationships with others. God and self. Each day, whether we are aware of it or not, we do choose how we will deal with relational situations that hurt us. How are you choosing at this time? Is this the time you want to continue to choose? What do you think Jesus is asking of you?We may need humility to overcome the pride that hinders us from admitting the other has hurt us or failed us.
We may need both courage and humility to deal with the anger we may be feeling about the hurt
We may need lots of prayer to bring the right heart to the confrontation. For example, why am I confronting the other? Is it to just dump my hurt feelings on him/her? Is it to take the other person down a peg or two? Or is my goal to create a win-win situation, to heal a relationship? If we go with the wrong heart our efforts will surely fail . They will only "add more darkness to an already dark situation", to use the word of Gandhi:
Right timing. Rushing into someone's presence and giving them a 'piece of our mind' may make us feel good, but it will not help the situation. Choosing a good time to talk is very important.
Seek to understand, speak with a calm tone rather than just dump feelings. For example, "When you did such-and-such, I felt really hurt. I don't know if you were aware of this. Can we talk about what happened?" The above words are not dumping or accusatory words. Rather they seek to create on atmosphere that can be productive and healing.
Emotional maturity to face a situation that may be difficult and uneasy. Despite your best efforts the other person may not be very receptive. In fact, we may experience more hurt and rejection. That is the risk we need the courage to take. Commenting on today's gospel, Fr. Sylvester O'Flynn writes: "Before we confront someone we should:
Pray for the light of truth (the whole truth is not always on our side.)
Pray for tactful gentleness that will heal rather than wound.